4.13) The Guy with a Good Attitude Towards Menstruation
Hi, my name's Dave Foley, and, uh, something you might not know about me is that .. I have a good attitude towards menstruation. That's right, I'm the guy! The guy with a good attitude towards menstruation!
Oh, I know a lot of men are made uncomfortable by this monthly miracle. But not me. No, I embrace it. Embrace it the way the way some men embrace the weekend! Why I anticipate it the way a child anticipates Christmas!
Did you know that, uh, in alot of native Indian cultures, menstruating woman were forced to leave the village, less they're *powerfull* magic should overwhelm the Shaman? If I were Shaman, I wouldn't be so competitive. I'd be more open and giving. I'd be a shaman with... a good attitude towards menstruation!
4.21) Christ Wasn't a Very Good Carpenter
Hi! As I'm sure you're all aware, there's a movement amongst archaeologists to attempt to reconcile the biblical account of history with the archaeological record. Now, I'm an intellectually curious young man with, let's face it, no real job. So, I've done some exploring of my own in this vain. The Bible tells us that Christ was trained as a carpenter. But in my most recent digs, I've found artifacts that show He was not a very good carpenter.
This chair, for example. One of the legs is significantly shorter than the other. This causes a certain degree of _wobbling_ and a more subtle defect, no lower back support. Over here we have a table. Now this table has only two legs. Now, I've conferred with many leading contemporary carpenters and they all agree that three is the bare minimum required for stability. Observe. [lets go of table and it falls down]. Even taking into account the primitive times, this portrays a shocking lack of craftsmanship. Now over here we have this, and frankly, I have no idea what this is. For a while I thought it might be a spice rack of some sort. But watch. If I take this jar of crushed cumin seed and place it here...[jar rolls off onto the floor] Clearly, if it is a spice rack, it is not a spice rack of the best ilk.
Conclusions: Yes, Christ was a great philosophical and religious leader; perhaps, even as some maintain, the Savior or Messiah. But it seems clear that He had few career options. As a carpenter, He was incompetent. He would've been unable even to construct the simple crucifix upon which ultimately He met his martyrdom. Now, I know that these views are going to be controversial. But I am also aware that if Christina Applegate were to express them wearing a halter top, you'd eat it up. Thanks!
4.23) Open Letter to the People Who Watched the Guy Steal His Bike Wheel
[Monologue by Bruce]
"And now Bruce McCulloch with an open letter to the people who watched the guy steal his bike wheel" [spoken by Scott]
[Bruce enters, bike lowered from above] Well, you knew it wasn't his wheel! What did you think? He was coming back for the rest of his bike later? Well, why didn't you do something? Why didn't you say something? You human piece of apathy! Why didn't you say, "Hey! That's not your wheel! That could be Bruce McCulloch's wheel! We love him! And he loved that wheel!" Just eatin' brunch. Well, didn't you think I needed it? I did! Well, look at that! Feast on that act of violence! Good work, Einstein! Pus!
"That was Bruce McCulloch with an open letter to the people who watched while the guy stole his bike wheel." [spoken by Scott]
[Bumper video of Bruce walking his incomplete bike.]
Dear Guy I Clotheslined As You Went By on Your Bicycle.
You don't know me, but I'm the guy who broke your collarbone. Now I've asked myself over and over why did I clothesline that guy. Perhaps I watched too much slapstick as a kid and expected you to get up after being violently assaulted. Imagine my confusion when you did not. Although not so confused that I'd actually hang around.
In all fairness, It was pretty funny, I mean the last thing you'd expect as you were riding merrily by on your bike is that someone you didn't know at all would stick out his arm and crush your throat.
I mean, you really should have seen it, It was just like WAM! BAM! (hahaha)
In closing, as you lay there convalescing in your hospital be, I'm forced to wonder 'What were you doing riding your bike on the sidewalk anyway, Huh, ya asshole? side-WALK!
Maybe sometimes we bring heartache upon ourselves.
Signed, the guy that collapsed your trachea.