================================================ The Official Usenet alt.tv.kids-in-hall FAQ List ================================================ Part 4: Transcripts of The Kids in the Hall Sketches See Parts 1-3 of this FAQ (posted separately) for more information. Administrivia ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This FAQ would not be possible without the contributions of Kids in the Hall fans. Please see the complete list of contributors in Part 1 of this FAQ. Thank you to all who contributed! This FAQ is maintained by Drew Davidson (davidson@mercury.interpath.net). Please see the submission guidelines in Part 1 of this FAQ if you have corrections or submissions. This FAQ is written in the WWW FAQ Format by Thomas Fine. This format allows automatic conversion from text to WWW hypertext. [+] Indicates new or revised answers. See also summary of changes in Part 1 of this FAQ. Contents: ~~~~~~~~ Transcripts/Lyrics 4.01) Transcript of Dr. Seuss Bible 4.02) Lyrics to Bim Bam Baby 4.03) Hangover Sketch 4.04) The Death of Rock -- Bobby vs. Mr Gorgenchuck 4.05) Mississippi Gary's Life-After-Death Song 4.06) Lyrics to Running Faggot Song 4.07) Lyrics to Terrier Song 4.08) Lyrics to These Are the Daves I Know Song 4.09) The Night Bruce Connected with his Dog (The Dog for Whom I Feel Nothing) 4.10) Letter to the Hospital 4.11) Tammy Video: Ain't Gonna Spread for No Roses 4.12) Bruce On How To Break Into Show Biz 4.13) The Guy with a Good Attitude Towards Menstruation 4.14) Buddy: Actor, Singer, Dancer and Model 4.15) Bikini Inspector 4.16) Mushroom Boy 4.17) I Did Not Find Love... 4.18) Celebrity Problems 4.19) Sandwich People 4.20) Bruce: The Cause of Cancer 4.21) Christ Wasn't a Very Good Carpenter 4.22) Stop the World, We Broke up 4.23) Open Letter to the People Who Watched the Guy Steal His Bike Wheel 4.24) I'm a Bad Doctor 4.25) Communist Threat 4.26) On the Subject of Me [+] 4.27) Dean and Lex and some Videos [+] 4.28) Gavin at the Funeral [+] 4.29) Buddy Seeks a New Lover [+] 4.30) Daddy Drank [+] 4.31) Gavin at the Butcher-shop [+] 4.32) Mississippi Gary and Kathy Have it Out [+] 4.33) McGillicutty and Greene [+] Who contributed to this FAQ? Copyright Information ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Transcripts and Lyrics ---------------------- 4.01) Lyrics to Bim Bam Baby [originally by Buddy Grecko] (spoken) Hey Man! This is the Best-Looking Man in the World... (sung) Get a mip-map-mop and a brim-bram-broom And clim-clam-clean up the rim-ram-room, Cause your bim-bam-baby's Coming home tonight. Get my slim-slam-slippers And my easy chair, Roll your flim-flam-fingers Through my greasy hair, And kiss me baby, Let me hold you tight. I been north and south and east and west, But even a husband ???? needs some rest. /* sounds like "honeydon" */ When I get my jacket and my trousers pressed, I gotta foe swall ???? right back to the nest. Don't you wim-wam-worry I'll ???? translate I'm gonna ???? shim-sham-shuffle on a frim-fram-freight Gimme ???? your bim-bam-baby's Shaking home tonight. Flim Flam A Bim Bam Flim Flam A Rim Ram Shoop Do Wap Do Do Ow Doo Do Wah 4.02) Transcript of Dr. Seuss Bible From kurts@infinet.com (Kurt Schroeder) and palah001@maroon.tc.umn.edu (Drew): And now, the Dr. Suess Bible! One day God said This is what I will do I'll send down my son I'll send him to you To clear up this humpity Bumpity hulabaloo His name will be Christ And he'll never wear shoes And his pals will all call Him the King of the Jews He didn't come in a plane He didn't come in a jeep He didn't come in the pouch Of a high jumping vo veep He rode on the back of a black sasatoo Which is the blackiest creature You ever could view He rode to Jerusalem Home of the grumpity Jews Where false prophets are worshipped Some even in two's There was Murrary Von Mer And Genghis Vo Vooze The one you could worship By taking a snooze Christ spoke from a mound Which is a pile of ground And people gathered around Without making a sound And thus he spake Sin in socks Socks full of sin How do we quiet this Jehoviadin din Do unto others as They do unto you That includes you Young Timothy Foo One pharisee said to another he knew What do we do with this upitty jew We can wash him in wine And make him all clean And into Sam Zittle's Crucifixtion Machine Twirl the gawhril And relase the gavlease And in go the nails As fast as you please And it is said that he Said as he bled: Forgive them Father For they know not what they do For they walk through this life In toe crampity [crappity?] shoes. Do you? Amen. 4.03) Hangover Sketch From kurts@infinet.com (Kurt Schroeder): The details are cloudly. Luckily in my haze I took notes. The events I can speak of only now, but I can taste it like it was yesterday. The reason I survived? Perhaps to tell the tale... The Hangover Day One. At 4:00 p.m. I wake up. By 9:00 p.m. I can make out shapes. I swear on the bible, although I don't actually own a bible, never again. Day Two I am suprised to find a man asleep on my couch. He tells me he shares the same hangover and that he works with me. He teaches me this game called "Screaming Numbers," and we play until the neighbors complain. Day Three Yay! I can move my head! I can move my head! Day Four I take a short walk. I go to my answering machine. I check it. Good news. Only one person called. Bad news. It's my girlfriend and she called 17 times, referring to herself oddly as my "ex-girlfriend." Day Five Finding a reflective surface, I am happy to note that my teeth have not been, in fact, removed with a hunting knife. I play a game of screaming numbers to celebrate. 11! 32! 9! Day Six An angel appears. He brings me a pizza. He wants only paper for it. How beautiful his eyelashes are. Looking at the pizza I note I am now color blind. I fall asleep thinking of all of the old black and white films I have enjoyed--and will watch again. Day Seven Hey, something smells! Day Eight Today I suspect I am not hung over at all, but, in fact, an old man. An old man and I have been trapped in a hammock, spun around, and left to die. Left to die by people I do not remember and can't hate them by name. Day Nine Further exploration of my answering machine reveals (although I have no recollection of this) I went into work. I went into work just long enough to play a game of screaming numbers and picked up what turned out to be my last check. Day Ten Call a press conference. Only Steve Anthony of City TV arrives. I decide not to let him in. Day Eleven I go to my ex-girlfriend's house and propose marriage. She does not accept. Neither does the man she refers to as "the new guy." After three hours she vows to take me back if I vow to stop drinking. Have small drink to celebrate. Snowflake becomes blizzard. Day Twelve See day one. 4.04) The Death of Rock -- Bobby vs. Mr Gorgenchuck From kurts@infinet.com (Kurt Schroeder): Bobby: No, Mr Gorgenchuck, I will not stop rockin' in your classroom. You're sittin' there telling me about the food chain, well how about the rock chain? Instead of a cow at the top there's like maybe a guitar. Cause Mr. Gorgenchuck, if I don't feel free to rock, be it here or anywhere, you might as well cut off my limbs, might as well cut off my limbs and mail them to Mother Russia. Cause if I can't rock, I don't want to walk. If I can't air guitar, I don't want no air at all. So, Mr Gorenchuck, if you really want me to stop rockin', I hope you're prepared to sand off my face. Are you sir? Are you prepared to grind me up, burn my bones, and scatter the ashes in the far reaches of the universe? Cause that is what it's gonna take sir. You and I are mortal, but rock and roll will never die. Mr. Gorgenchuck: Now that's just where you're wrong Bobby. Recent studies show that rock and roll is, in fact, dying. Bobby: What?? Mr. Gorgenchuck: Popular music has been on the wane since 1974, the year of the first Bad Company release. Bobby: I have that album. Mr. Gorgenchuck: Ha ha ha, of course you do Bob. You see poor live performances by the likes of Chuck Berry and even Jerry Lee Lewis are destroying the music that they alledge to celebrate. And tests show that a Beach Boys concert is a very sad thing. This coupled with the growing interest in ethnic music has undermined the support base of the music that you and your friends love. Bobby: What?? Mr. Gorgenchuck: Let's see if I can't put this into terms you'll understand. Say you had 12 beer. Bobby: Oh, okay all right! Mr. Gorgenchuck: All right! Now let's say that four of those beer rep- resent the Pogues, anotehr six represent the Gypsy Kings, and one beer is shared by The Chieftains and Lady Smith Black Mombaza. Bobby: Hold it, that only leaves one beer. I'll never get drunk on one beer! Mr Gorgenchuck: Exactly Bob. But learn to nurse that beer and before you know it, you'll be loving jazz! Bobby: Jazz!? Never!! Mr. Gorgenchuck: Tests don't lie Bob. Bobby: How long...has rock got? Mr. Gorgenchuck: According to a computer model, three years. About the time you'll be graduating. Bobby: Then I'll live each day like my rockin' last! Mr. Gorgenchuck: Where as I will look forward to the dominance of jazz! Bobby: Then you sir are my nemesis! (Mr Gorgenchuck begins to play the flute...) Bobby: No! No! Ahhhh! 4.05) Mississippi Gary's Life-After-Death Song [Mark as Mississippi Gary] [spoken] You know, recently, I had a heart attack. For several minutes Mississippi Gary was clinically dead. I was followin' the white light to heaven. Now when I got there, I was given a choice of 17 door. Now behind the first door was a rose, which signified... never mind that. An angel of the Lord then came to me, and give me a 7-sided die, which he bade me to roll 12 time. Now the first roll was a 4, which means that the four corners of the world... well never mind that. Eventually I was brought in front of God himself. Now God was sittin' up on a bar stool with an old beat-up guitar. And he said to me, "Mississippi Gary, you is not to be dead yet. Because I want you to take this here song, and play it for all my children on the planet Earth." So I learned this song, and it meant so very much to me, so I like y'all at home to turn on your VCR's, so you can learn it and study it. The words of God. [sung] Smokin' on a night train, chewin' on a jelly roll, Smokin' on a night train, chewin' on a jelly roll, I'm runnin' up a flag without a pole, I'm walkin' on a shoe without a sole, Smokin' on a night train, chewin' on a jelly roll. (OK here i' comes, lesson one.) You can't cook an egg unless you got yourself a frying pan. (You know it's the truth.) You can't cook an egg unless you got yourself a frying pan. You shouldn't rob a bank without a plan, You shouldn't use your tongue to stop a fan. Smokin' on a night train, chewin' on a jelly roll. (Now here come lesson number two.) Shouldn't wanna do it if you don't want to not do it right. Eba-dabba-dooba-daba-deba-daba-do, all right. (I ain't makin' this up.) You don't go dancin' in the day, You don't golfin' in the night. Smokin' on a night train, chewin' on a jelly roll. (Yeah.) Smokin' on a night train, chewin' on a jelly roll. Praise the Lord! 4.06) Lyrics to Running Faggot Song From mrtizic@linex.com (Ben Osheroff): Mark & Bruce: This is a song about a great folk hero. Running free...running free...running faggot. Running faggot running free; see the faggot, see the running faggot, running faggot running free. Running faggot (Scott): Howdy stripling. Stripling (Kevin): Howdy....faggot. RF: Well, what can I do for you? Stripling: My puppy's hungry, I don't know what to do! RF: Hm. Why not try feeding it puppy food? Stripling: Good idea, faggot! Why don't you stick around and see the results? RF: Nope. Gotta be hitching a ride on the wind. M&B: Running faggot running free; see the faggot he fed a puppy, running faggot running free. RF: Howdy, stranger. Cowboy (Dave): Good ta see ya, faggot. RF: Well, what seems to be the problem? Cowboy: Well I'll let ya have it straight. We're surrounded on all side by about 10,000 angry Indians, and it looks like there's only (pulls out gun) one way out. RF: Have you ever thought of talking to them? M&B: Running faggot running; he stopped the carnage by gettin' folks a talkin' 'stead just a sqawkin', sqawkin' and a gawkin', mockin' and a rockin', running free. Rednecks (Dave and Kevin): Yeeeeha! Walkin' talkin' stereotypes! Yeeeha! Dave: Look what we got here... Kevin: Got ourselves a pretty little faggot. Dave: Guess we better beat on him. Kevin: Guess so. M&B: Running faggot, running free; see the faggot running from the rednecks, running free. Run you faggot run you! Run you faggot run you! Run you faggot running free. Bruce: Godspeed through Texas, faggot. Mark: Via con Dios, el Faggot. 4.07) Lyrics to Terrier Song From Tom Walsh and lkane@ix.netcom.com (Liz Kane) and redtop@u.washington.edu (Carissa Leeson): (Dialog) Kevin (in drag, holding a dog): "I just got him and I love him and I'm going to name him and it's going to be a perfect name 'cause he's the perfect dog and I love him....isn't he great?" Bruce: "No. I don't like him." K: "What?" B: "Sorry" K: "What's wrong with him?" B: "He's just not my type of dog...he's just not...a terrier" (sung by Bruce) Terriers are my very favourite breed They're cute and cuddly and easy dogs to feed They'll bring you up whenever you are down Terriers average 20 pounds When I walk around in this terrier town One thing that makes me down Is when people put bandanas on their dogs Terriers are my very favourite breed Cute and cuddly, easy dogs to feed Terriers were there in the 11th century Napoleon had one to prevent misery Terriers are good with the aged Studies show that they prolong old peoples' lives No one wants to die Like this guy died Die die, die die Die die, die die Worms eating your eyes Bass solo (Notices women behind him in black bikini's and veils) Ah, excuse me ladies, you're scantily clad and have nothing to do with the narrative. Therefore, it's sexist. Sorry. (they go away..) Wow, that hurt. You know those mornings that you just can't get out of bed, and you call in sick, if you had a job. You know those mornings when you just wanna watch TV, eat corn chips and masturbate. Sure you do. Well, when those days happen.. what you should do is start thinking about my friends. My little furry, waterproof pals. You know I'm talking about..... Les terriers sont mes types favourites Jolies, charmantes Pas de probleme a maintenir Il donnent du joie Quand tu es "blue" Les terries sont a peu pres Vingt livres Give terriers a chance (Yeh!) Do the terrier dance No, let's not But if you want your love to show If you want your love to grow Then go terri-, go terri-, go terri- errr (dialog) B: "See....your dog just isn't good enough" K: "I guess you're right. Go on, Snaxi (sp??), to a brand new life!" 4.08) Lyrics to These Are the Daves I Know Song [+] [partial lyrics] From meganc@u.washington.edu (Megan Coughlin) and modellus@shakala.com (Mark Odell): "These Are the Daves I Know" -Bruce McCullough These are the Daves I know, I know These are the Daves I know These are the Daves I know, I know These are the Daves I know David Hoffner He works in my dad's store He's worked here for 12 years He'll prob'ly work here for more These are the Daves I know, I know These are the Daves I know These are the Daves I know, I know These are the Daves I know Dave Gort I've known since I was six In grade 8 he broke his leg So we got drunk and sick These are the Daves I know, I know These are the Daves I know These are the Daves I know, I know These are the Daves I know Some of them are Davids [Dave Gort sings:] But most of us are Daves They all have their own hands But they come from different moms These are the Daves I know, I know These are the Daves I know These are the Daves I know, I know These are the Daves I know Dave Jadiski Man, this cat can swing He weighs almost 50 pounds And he delivers my paper on time These are the Daves I know, I know These are the Daves I know These are the Daves I know, I know These are the Daves I know Dave Capisano I hardly know him...... [Bruce bops around, looking vaguely uncomfortable for the rest of the measure] These are the Daves I know, I know These are the Daves I know These are the Daves I know, I know These are the Daves I know [All Daves sing:] We are the Daves he knows, he knows We are the Daves he knows We are the Daves he knows, he knows We are the Daves he knows [All Daves sing:] Some of us are Davids But most of us are Daves We all have our own hands But we come from different moms These are the Daves I know, I know [All Daves sing:] We are the Daves he knows, he knows These are the - [All sing:] Daves! 4.09) The Night Bruce Connected with his Dog (The Dog for Whom I Feel Nothing) From lkane@ix.netcom.com (Liz Kane): I know what people think of me - I do. They consider me a happy go lucky guy.. A care free sort.. Full of smiles.. Brimming with chuckles.. And what not. Few people realize there is a darker side. Few people know that I have been living a sham. Each night as I go home to my apartment, and my large bowl of popcorn, that I sit in silence with a dog for whom I feel nothing. Nothing. Maybe it's my fault for never having named the dog. See, I had him for 3 years and I just couldn't think one up. The only name that suited him was: 'Small Mammal With Whom I Live a Lie' I've even given up trying small talk. Stuff like: "So? Hows man's best friend today?" (......) "Boy, wok cooking sure is harder then it looks." (......) So, we'd sit, with heavy dreaded air between us. And then, one night, it happened. I turned my head, and saw my dog looking at me. There we were, locked in a stare. Frozen in time. And in his eyes, I could see my human arrogance reflected back. "How dare I eat meat!" ...I almost screamed. (the room grows cloudy with the touching moment. They embrace, and dance about the room.) ... And as quickly as the moment came, it ended. (dog burps) The burp, like the moment is now gone forever. But as long as I live, I shall never forget the night I connected with my dog. 4.10) Letter to the Hospital From lkane@ix.netcom.com (Liz Kane): Hi, eh, just writing a letter to someone in the hospital. You know it's always kinda hard to find the right words to say. You know somehow 'How's the weather in the hospital? sure is nice outside.' just doesn't work. But you gotta try, you know, you gotta show your concern so here's what I got so far. Dear Guy I Clotheslined As You Went By on Your Bicycle. You don't know me, but I'm the guy who broke your collarbone. Now I've asked myself over and over why did I clothesline that guy. Perhaps I watched too much slapstick as a kid and expected you to get up after being violently assaulted. Imagine my confusion when you did not. Although not so confused that I'd actually hang around. In all fairness, It was pretty funny, I mean the last thing you'd expect as you were riding merrily by on your bike is that someone you didn't know at all would stick out his arm and crush your throat. I mean, you really should have seen it, It was just like WAM! BAM! (hahaha) ANY-WAY.... In closing, as you lay there convalescing in your hospital be, I'm forced to wonder 'What were you doing riding your bike on the sidewalk anyway, Huh, ya asshole? side-WALK! Maybe sometimes we bring heartache upon ourselves. Signed, the guy that collapsed your trachea. Thanks 4.11) Tammy Video: Ain't Gonna Spread for No Roses From redtop@u.washington.edu (Carissa Leeson): (Dialog) Mark: (laughing) Bruce (Tammy): Right.... M: You know, Tammy, I think you do rally great songs. Hey, here's my business card with my work number on it [puts it in her hand]. Here you go... you know, in case you have any questions, any problems, or, uh, you know, you just want to...talk.... B: Right. M: So, did you, uh, get the roses? B: Roses? M: Yeah, the roses. B: Why would you send me roses? M: Well, as a token of _my_ appreciation for _you_. You know, in case you wanted to get together late one night to....talk. You know....roses.... [leans down, lips puckered] B: [puts fingers to Mark's lips] Stop (music starts) Do I want love? Of course I do But do you think I'm so dumb That I'd go out with you? Na, na, no, no, neh-eh-eh-ver I'm, I'm, naw-awt go-on-na spread I'm not gonna spread for no roses! I'm not gonna spread for you You gross old man Your aftershave wreaks You buy your tan (She's not gonna peel for no buds, bud) Na, na, no, no, neh-eh-eh-ver I'm, I'm, naw-awt go-on-na spread I'm not gonna spread for no roses! I'm not gonna spread for you You gross old man Your aftershave wreaks You buy your tan (This girl don't put out for no foliage, friend[??]) (spoken) Businessman #1: Call me...soon Businessman #2: My wife will be out of town for 40 minutes -- let's get together and....talk. Businessman #3: Hey, there's lots of bad guys out there; I can point them out to you. Mark: I run a charity -- we collect panties. Talk talk talk talk talk talk talk soon Talk talk soon Talk talk soon Joan of Ark never did Laura Secord never did Gloria Steinem did once But them she felt sad I'm not gonna spread for no roses (Better dead than spread) I'm not gonna spread for no roses (Better dead than spread) I'm not gonna spread for no roses (Better dead than spread) I'm not gonna open my legs for no roses (Better dead than spread) Do you want love? Of course you do But if you want love Shouldn't it be your wife you talk to? (Dialog) B: So, what do you think? M: I like the new video Businessman #1: Tastefully done -- tasteful use of crotch shots. M: Class act, hmmmm... Businessman #2: I'd better call my wife Businessman #1: Me, too M: Me, too 4.12) Bruce On How To Break Into Show Biz From redtop@u.washington.edu (Carissa Leeson): Listen -- I'm no role model. I don't give advice. But over the last couple of years I've received a lot of letters, all with the same questions: Bruce, how do you get started in comedy, you know, acting and writing? And what advice do you have for someone trying to break in? OK, here it goes... First of all, I guess if you're in school, make jokes. Don't worry about it if your teachers like it or not. The only teacher you should listen to anyway is your English teacher. But not too much, because, remember -- No One Understands You [flashes on screen]. Education is not your friend. Neither is sleep; you won't need it where you're going. Instead of studying, try listening to tragically loud music daily. And be strict with yourself -- you gotta do it everyday! You know, now that I think about it, I think it's very important to let liquor be the wind beneath your wings. Yeah, I guess I'd have to advise drinking a lot with guys like Calvin Renny (SP???) and Terry Rockio and pissing out the back of a fast-moving truck. Oh, and if a policeman goes by, try doing this under your breath: "Pig pig oink oink bacon sandwich at 2:00". Now, get a lot of experience coming home drunk. Stand up to your dad; he may tower over you now, but as be begins to shrink, you pick your day. It's very important that you begin to juggle lovers. Remember: ["No One Understands You" flashes on screen]. I think it would be helpful to get a lot of dead-end jobs in warehouses with linear thinking racist pigs who will teach you only one thing: how to steal. Did I mention piss out the back of a fast-moving truck? Oh, I did -- OK -- Then move to the biggest city you can find, get the smallest apartment you can find, keep your underware in a bowl in the fridge, never answer your phone, never remember your family's birthdays, never make it home for Christmas, think a lot about vampires, death and sex with your friends' mothers.....or fathers -- you figure it out, I did. Wear a crash helmet around just in case, watch your friends get married and grow beards to cover their puffy, compromising faces...then get a TV show. I guess I'd have to say that that's my only advice. 4.13) The Guy with a Good Attitude Towards Menstruation From lkane@ix.netcom.com (Liz Kane): Hi, my name's Dave Foley, and, uh, something you might not know about me is that .. I have a good attitude towards menstruation. Thats right, I'm the guy! The guy with a good attitude towards menstruation! Oh, I know a lot of men are made uncomfortable by this monthly miracle. But not me. No, I embrace it. Embrace it the way the way some men embrace the weekend! Why I anticipate it the way a child anticipates Christmas! Did you know that, uh, in alot of native Indian cultures, menstruating woman were forced to leave the village, less they're *powerfull* magic should overwhelm the Shaman? If I were Shaman, I wouldn't be so competitive. I'd be more open and giving. I'd be a shaman with... a good attitude towards menstruation! 'Cause after all, what is it? a cluster of blood vessels, awaiting a fertilized egg. Providing a safe warm place for that egg to grow. And if a life does not occur, the whole thing is flushed away, and the cycle begins again. Now is that anything to be ashamed of or disgusted by? No, this is the nesting stuff of humanity! Thats why the woman I shall love will be able to menstruate as fully and freely as she desires. Even if her monthly flow should build in intensity to a raging rust colored torrent! An unbridled river of life giving blood flowing from between her legs! An awesome cataract plunging off the edge of our couch. I wouldn't be fazed! No, no, even if coureur de bois would come up stream, battling the rapids, and singing a 'jaunty song'! I would take no offense, rather I would ford across that mighty womanly river, and fetch herbal tea and Pamprin. And then I would mop her brow and admire her fecundity. For I...Have A Good Attitude....Towards MENSTRUATION! 4.14) Buddy: Actor, Singer, Dancer and Model From lkane@ix.netcom.com (Liz Kane): Show business is full..... .of actors, singer, dancers, and models.. and then there's ME... Actor, Singer, Dancer, Model.... CANADIAN!.... I can make the word Canadian sound sexy! Most people think I'm from the States, and even worse, they thing I'm from New York, because I'm sooo sexy. But, New York isn't sexy, it's Sleazy! Americans know as much about Canadians as straight people do about Gays. Americans show up at the border with ski's in July, and straight people think that being gay is just a phase.... A very loooong phase.... When I'm over seas, and people mistake me for an American, I'm as outraged as when I'm mistaken for straight! No one wants to know that I'm gay and even less want to know I'm Canadian. On my resume, my agent replaced the word 'Gay' with 'Blond'. And... 'Canadian' with 'Outdoorsy'. So.... I replaced 'Outdoorsy' with 'Blowzy'. Which makes me a 'Blowzy Blond'! I get all the best friend roles. I'm in this new American picture 'Millennium'. It's a 'Big Budget Science Fiction Thriller' staring Cheryl Ladd. You see, one day some American thought: 'Hey, I want to make a terrible movie in Canada, everybody else has!' I play the best friend of the time gate operator. He as one line, but he says it directly to me! The movie is full of Canadian actors with one line. It's great! It wont make a dime! It's a big hoopla down south over some Wag burning the flag... OH JESUS... I don't know what all the fuss is about, we burn the flag all the time, to keep warm... Is it cold in here, or is it just me... I seem to be catching a bit of cold (pulls out Canadian flag hankie and sneezes) Oh Jesus... Lucky I didn't blow my pope's nose... Reminds me of the time that Ann Murry and James Baldwin were sharing a smart cocktail at her cottage in Parry Sound. And Ann said to James 'It must be hard enough being Black and gay, imagine if you were also Canadian, eh! 4.15) Bikini Inspector From stc108@psu.edu (Scott Cierski): Bruce: I'm a bikini inspector. It's not a joke, I inspect bikinis. It's my job. You know, I see a lot of guys on the beach wearin' "Bikini Inspector" t-shirts. But they're not real bikini inspectors, they just wish they were, for some weird reason. I don't know why anyone would pretend to be a bikini inspector. It's a menial job. You gotta take a bus there every day. There's an hour right there. You work in a dank factory, you gotta inspect four or five thousand units, your eyes start to go buggy and squinty. Shift work too, ya know? And for that you make, well, let's just say the amount of money I make's my own business. Although I do make somewhere around $8.67 an hour. Bikini inspector. The only job worse than that is the job I had in Collingwood, Ontario. Workin' in the woods. I was on the beaver patrol. Rotten job, mud in your boots, trapsin' through the underbrush lookin' for beaver dams that are cloggin' up the irrigation system. One beaver even bit my thumb. But it's all par for the course on the beaver patrol. You know, I'd go out after work, beaver bites all over my thumbs, go to a bar for a quick drink, and I'd see guys there wearin' t-shirts that said my job on them. But not like other rotten jobs, like "Fry cook" or "Night security guard at an out of the way mall." So, I'd be sittin' there, tryin' to find pride in my work, wearin' my beaver patrol t-shirt, and the women stare at ya. Well, I'm sorry ma'am, if I'm not a doctor, but thems the breaks. One woman even bit my thumb. But I'm gettin' out of here. Tryin' to get on as a "Muff Diver." Read it on a t-shirt. I don't know what it is, but, that job can't be much worse than what I'm doin' now, eh? Eh? Yeah.... 4.16) Mushroom Boy From stc108@psu.edu (Scott Cierski): Mark: Hello! I was the mushroom boy. Ever since I was very young, I've been able to tell all the different types of mushrooms apart. It came to me naturally. Why, when I was 12 I went on a national tv talent show and identified 36 types of mushrooms blind-folded. All Belgium was enraptured with me. I won a case of truffles, and a pet pig, and I was sent out on a tour of all the biggest mushroom farms in Europe. Why, I even had a soup named after me, with my face staring right out at you from the label. Oh, though, too bad, I gambled all my money on a new health product. This: Muffin Juice. The unfiltered juice of freshly squozen muffins. (Pours, drinks) Mmmmm! It should have worked, but, it didn't. Anyway, till this day if you go to a mushroom farm in Belgium and say, "Hey, do you know who Leon Van Dyke is?" They'll say, "Yes, I do! He was the mushroom boy!" Well, good-bye! 4.17) I Did Not Find Love... From stc108@psu.edu (Scott Cierski): Bruce: I'm gonna slow things down a bit. Where was the love my horoscope promised? I have looked under my mattress where I keep things, hidden. There was no love for me in the corridors of power. I found no love in the bar. Just songs about love and bourbon, lots of bourbon. There was no love in volunteer work, in "just being myself." I found no love in bank line-ups, in the sports section of my daily newspaper. I found no love in the Canadian praries, just farmers. Farmers with their own problems, and used farm equipment. I did not find love on the phone, just a network of the un-loved, with something called "call waiting." I did not find love at Eaton Center, just bargain hunters, bargain hunting. I found no love at the Karoake club, I think. See, I couldn't make it inside. Noone needs love quite that badly. There was no love in the VIP room of the Big Bop. Just me and a bowl of peanuts, and Bryan Adams. I talked to the bowl of peanuts all night, if you know what I mean. Would you believe I actually looked for love in the health food store? There I only found women buying steroids disguised as sea kelp. There was no love for me in the day care industry, just hard women dressed in pink. I found no love at the antique market, just hopeless couples muttering about the family unit, the family unit, the family- shut up. I found no love in burning the bottom of my feet with Cigarellos. Just a certain amount of artistic satisfaction. I found no love in the hollowed-out belly of a dead elk. Just warmth, and quiet. But then the questions: "Hey, why are you in the hollowed-out belly of a dead elk? Are you in there because of love?" And always, "You know if you're homeless, man, you cannot sleep there." There is no love in writing about love, only a deadline. 4.18) Celebrity Problems From stc108@psu.edu (Scott Cierski): Scott: Hello viewing audience. Right now, I'm at a pretty interesting stage in my career, because I'm just a little bit famous, somewhere between Pauly Shore and the Maytag repairman. As a celebrity becomes more famous, he or she is assigned more responsibility by the media. Eventually they reach the stage where they get to talk in public about their terrible childhoods. Experts say that this helps commoners come to grips with their own similar problems, by identification with a celebrity. Until a celebrity experiences a tragedy, it doesn't exist. That's why AIDS didn't exist until Rock Hudson got it. Befor that, it was just a lot of fags collapsing from dance floor exhaustion. Before celebrities, people didn't have terrible childhoods, they just grew up. Nobody made a big deal out of child abuse or incest. You had sex with your father, you moved on. Don't get me wrong, I think it's great that there are celebrities out there who through their openness about their own lives, help all of us come to a greater understanding about our own common humanity. But this path is not for everyone. Each celebrity is like a, a snowflake. This snowflake will never burden you with stories of his hideous childhood, no matter what the financial recompense. I love my grotesque family too much to drag them through a public spotlight for fun and profit. You see, I just don't feel any need to talk publicly about my own teen years as a hustler, or my allegiance to the devil. Please, please just let me remain a private man in a public business. To all you other celebrities out there publicly struggling with alcoholism, bulimia, or lazy bladder (not me), I salute you. Through your courage, you help all of us feel just a little bit better about our own pathetic and blighted lives. Thank you Oprah, Rosanne, Suzanne, Axl, Latoya, ...(sobbing)...cut,cut! 4.19) Sandwich People From stc108@psu.edu (Scott Cierski): Bruce: It's so sad. People and their sandwiches. People looking forward to eating their sandwiches. You know, they'll be working or doing something really stupid like polishing their furniture, and they'll say, "Oh, things aren't so bad, at least I've got that sandwich to look forward to." And then around noon, or maybe ten a.m., they'll take out their sandwich, and take little tiny bites of that thing, and think about tiny little pieces of change that would make them happy. You know, if they could only lose 4 or 5 pounds, if the movie they'd seen the night before could only be slightly better. They don't ask much, the sandwich people. Sad as snake-snot. The only thing sadder than the sandwich people are the poo people. You know, the poo people, adults who sleep alone every night, but every day you see them walking their 3 pound dogs. If it were a fish, you'd throw it back. But they love it, and they walk it. They walk it with little plastic bags on their hands, waiting for their little 3-pounder to have his poo. And when he does, they pick it up, and feel that heat in their hand, as if to say to themselves, "I am alive!" The only thing sadder than the poo people are the happy people. Yeah, the happy people, you know, sitting in their cars, smiling at police, keeping their change in their wallets, remembering people's birthdays, pleased as punch they didn't get murdered. Sad, sad, sad are the happy people. I guess the only thing sadder than the happy people, are the Village People. Yes, the Village People are the very saddest of all. They can't believe they wrote that song about the YMCA, they've never been to the YMCA. That cowboy doesn't want to be a cowboy anymore, he wants to be a grown up. Right now he's in some town, doing bizarre choreographed moves, thinking to himself, "Well, at least I've got that sandwich to look forward to." 4.20) Bruce: The Cause of Cancer From pambb@cypress.mcsr.olemiss.edu (Michael Brian Baggett): DF: Hi, uh . . . my name is David Foley, and uh . . . . [pause due to applause] thank you. . .thank you very much. That's very kind of you, very kind of you. Uh . . . I was just wanting to . . . uh , tell you about something that's happened. . . uh, during this week of rehearsals, something we sort of came across, something, well . . . we, sort of, discovered. Um, uh... and certainly nothing we ever expected to do as a comedy troupe, and I'm sure it's nothing you, as a comedy audience, ever expected to hear from a comedy troupe. Ok, here it is... uh, we discovered the cause of cancer. [laughter, applause] I guess, uh, the [stammering] best thing to do is to just bring Bruce out here. Bruce, are you there? Bruce McCulloch, ladies and gentlemen. Bruce McCulloch. [applause as Bruce wanders out on stage, waving to the audience] DF: Bruce has something that he'd like to say to everyone. Go ahead, Bruce. BM: Hi. DF: Go on, Bruce. BM: Hi. DF: Just do it, Bruce. Come on. [The two of them argue slightly] BM: OK, you asked me. . . DF: Well, just do it. . . BM: Fine. I'll do it . . . DF: Just go. BM: Dave Foley, ladies and gentlemen. [applause] DF: No, just do it, Bruce. You're wasting a lot of time. Bruce McCulloch would like to say something. BM: I'm sorry I caused all that cancer. [laughter] I didn't realize it was such a hideous disease. [more laughter. Dave looks bewildered] DF: [angry] I suppose you think that makes it, OK? 'I'm sorry I caused all that cancer. . .' you don't even sound like you mean it, Bruce. BM: Dave, you asked me to apologize and that's just what I did. DF: I'm sorry. Well, in rehearsal you sounded like you meant it, it sounded like you were actually remorseful about what you had done, but this was pretty, pretty lame, Bruce. I think you should apologize like you really mean it. BM: [hurt] Fine, David. I'm sorry I caused all that throat cancer and all that bowel cancer. I was just on a roll . . . DF: . . . and? BM: and I won't do it again. DF: Thank you, Bruce. [applause] 4.21) Christ Wasn't a Very Good Carpenter From schen@a1.mec.mass.edu (Sarah Chen): Hi! As I'm sure you're all aware, there's a movement amongst archaeologists to attempt to reconcile the biblical account of history with the archaeological record. Now, I'm an intellectually curious young man with, let's face it, no real job. So, I've done some exploring of my own in this vain. The Bible tells us that Christ was trained as a carpenter. But in my most recent digs, I've found artifacts that show He was not a very good carpenter. This chair, for example. One of the legs is significantly shorter than the other. This causes a certain degree of _wobbling_ and a more subtle defect, no lower back support. Over here we have a table. Now this table has only two legs. Now, I've conferred with many leading contemporary carpenters and they all agree that three is the bare minimum required for stability. Observe. [lets go of table and it falls down]. Even taking into account the primitive times, this portrays a shocking lack of craftsmanship. Now over here we have this, and frankly, I have no idea what this is. For a while I thought it might be a spice rack of some sort. But watch. If I take this jar of crushed cumin seed and place it here...[jar rolls off onto the floor] Clearly, if it is a spice rack, it is not a spice rack of the best ilk. Conclusions: Yes, Christ was a great philosophical and religious leader; perhaps, even as some maintain, the Savior or Messiah. But it seems clear that He had few career options. As a carpenter, He was incompetent. He would've been unable even to construct the simple crucifix upon which ultimately He met his martyrdom. Now, I know that these views are going to be controversial. But I am also aware that if Christina Applegate were to express them wearing a halter top, you'd eat it up. Thanks! 4.22) Stop the World, We Broke up From Tom Walsh: (Song) - by Bruce Ouuch Stop the world, we broke up I'll get my records, then I'll get off Love leaks out in the back of my head She broke up and left me for dead [Wipes tear from cheek, shows it on his index finger, spoken] A real tear Like a monster truck across my heart She did donuts while I watched [In telephone booth, spoken] Operator, listen. If you won't cut in, will you at least tell me if she's talking to another guy? Going to shave my head, start a gang Join the army, move to Spain [Music stops, spoken] Country and Western music. I understand it now. Run through the night, let it cleanse me [Cries, can't finish line] Girls [x10] Laura Girls [x3] [To the operator, spoken] It was a mutual thing. [To a pigeon that lands at his feet, spoken] You may be free like her, but you're not ... Laura [Video - shots of Bruce playing guitar on a hill overlooking the city (Toronto?) interspersed with shots of Laura smoking and kissing another guy] 4.23) Open Letter to the People Who Watched the Guy Steal His Bike Wheel From Tom Walsh: [Monologue by Bruce] "And now Bruce McCulloch with an open letter to the people who watched the guy steal his bike wheel" [spoken by Scott] [Bruce enters, bike lowered from above] Well, you knew it wasn't his wheel! What did you think? He was coming back for the rest of his bike later? Well, why didn't you do something? Why didn't you say something? You human piece of apathy! Why didn't you say, "Hey! That's not your wheel! That could be Bruce McCulloch's wheel! We love him! And he loved that wheel!" Just eatin' brunch. Well, didn't you think I needed it? I did! Well, look at that! Feast on that act of violence! Good work, Einstein! Pus! "That was Bruce McCulloch with an open letter to the people who watched while the guy stole his bike wheel." [spoken by Scott] [Bumper video of Bruce walking his incomplete bike.] 4.24) I'm a Bad Doctor From schen@a1.mec.mass.edu (Sarah Chen): [Dave] Wanna know something? I'm a bad doctor. I'm not boasting. I mean, who would? Just stating a fact that I've never really gotten the hang of the whole healing-the-sick thing. And don't interpret this as some sort of false modesty. No, I'm homogeneously unqualified to practice medicine in any capacity. I *really* don't have a clue. And no one could be more shocked than me that I've been allowed to rise to a position of such importance and responsibility. I guess it all started in high school where I was a very bad science student. One day when we were supposed to be dissecting a frog, I accidentally disassembled my desk. Oh, but, you know, I was a popular kid. You know, the other students were always eager to help me out. So you know, during a test whenever I'd get that *confused* look on my face - which was invariably - well, the cheat notes would just start flying! Even the teachers would start whispering answers, you know, *ahem* mitochondria... But I didn't worry about it. I figured, how far could you coast on charm? Well, pretty far, actually! They just offered me the job of Chief of Surgery. Apparently, I've logged more hours in surgery than any other man my age. Four thousand hours this year alone. What no one seems to have noticed that it was all with the same patient. Oh, I want to show you something. You know what this is? Urine. Another man's urine. I ask for it, and they give it to me! I don't know what to do with it! I've got a fridge full of this stuff. I mean, I suppose I could send it out to the lab, but they'd only send back a lot of test results that I couldn't possibly understand. The only thing I'm actually sorta good at is referrals. You know that thing where doctors send patients to other doctors. Well, I'm the king of referrals. What I do is I call the, uh, the sick person into my office, and I stare for a long time really seriously at this blank sheet of paper. Then I say, "Hmmm. I'd like you to see someone. He's a specialist in this area." (laughs) There are specialists who have their whole career based on my referrals. I am the cornerstone of a medical empire. (sighs) Well, I really should be going. I've gotta tell the family that the patient didn't make it - hardest part of being a doctor...I think! 4.25) Communist Threat From stc108@psu.edu (Scott Thomas Cierski): Dave: Let sleeping dogs lie. I say, NO! And you know what sleeping dogs I'm referring to, don't you? No? Well, let me refresh your memory. Russains! That's right, Russians, ruskies, communists, COMM-UN-ISTS! Oh now you remember? Well, do you also remember how a few years ago all we ever talked about was how the Russians were gonna take over the world, and how every household would be run by communisis and their filthy communism. Oh yeah, we feared the Russians back in them days, and for good reason too, but now all I ever hear is, "Poor little Russia, they've got no money!", "Poor little Russia, they've gone broke!" Poor little Russia THIS, and poor little Russia THAT! Don't you get it? Am I the only one who gets it? It's a trick. Communism never dies, communism is a cancer, a cancer sleeping, awaiting the moment to devour our freedom, to devour democracy. Oh, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking this guy's just some right wing paranoid reactionary who had a horrible upbringing and whose father beat him every day with a Bible well maybe that's true but it never did me any harm! All I'm saying is, a few years ago, people used to listen to me. I fit in. Well listen to me now. The Russians, they're gonna try to take over the world again, don't you forget that for one second friend or else go find yourself lining up for toilet paper in some godless world! There's one more thing I'd like to say. Killer bees! Forgot about them, didn't ya? Well that's just what they want us to do! That's right, the Russian communists, the killer bees, they're like this! (fingers crossed) So when people say to me let sleeping dogs lie, I say to them, friend, sleeping dogs...they eventually wake up...and chew out the throat of democracy! Don't you think I don't know what you're up to, Russia. Don't think that I'm unaware of the fact that Kevin McDonald or should I say, Ivan Chovsky, is one of you! (K [muffled under gag]: He's crazy!) Crazy like a fanatic fox I mean! Down reds! One man one vote! .... 4.26) On the Subject of Me [+] From Tom Walsh: Narrator: On the Subject of Me At the age of 10, I became convinced that I was the lead soprano for the New York Metropolitan Opera. Nothing could dissuade me. Until the Times tore me to shreds. [Video: Milking cow and whitewashing fence] ------ Narrator: On the Subject of Me If I was stranded on a desert island, and I could only have one person, one book, and one record with me, I'd probably die of exposure. [Video: Caricaturist draws Dave] ------ Narrator: On the Subject of Me For years, I've had this reoccuring dream in which I have a mustache. I know it doesn't sound so bad, but, I swear, I'm afraid to go to sleep. [Video: Checking oil in car, wiping dipstick on hand] ------ Narrator: On the Subject of Me My spleen is twice the size of a normal human spleen. This isn't such a big deal right now, but after I'm dead, there's going to be a bidding war. [Video: Overamorous Dave kissing girlfriend] ------ Narrator: On the Subject of Me I was a Caesarean birth because my mother always liked that hairstyle [Video: Feeding waterfowl loaves of bread] 4.27) Dean and Lex and some Videos [+] From Twangtwang@aol.com: Dean (Kevin), Lex (Dave) Kevin: "Hey videos. Awright. _Mahogany_. I hear it's [?????]'s best movie. Could I borrow it?" Dave: [pissed but can't articulate it] "I haven't seen it yet." K: "Tell ya what. I'll see it tonight and bring it to ya first thing tomorrow." D: "Promise?" K: "Will do." [Cut to next day, at the supermarket. Dean is absently applying price stickers to cans of produce.] D: "Did you bring my video back?" K: "Slipped my mind. But I feel awful about it. I tell ya what I'll do: I'll bring the video tomorrow, plus I'll buy ya one. Do ya have _The Godfather_? D: "No. So you'd really do that?" K: "Will do." [Next day; Dean is mopping the supermarket floor. Lex is getting apprehensive.] D: "So, did you bring my videos?" K: "Slipped my mind. " D: "Should I even ask about _The Godfather_?" K: "Don't bother." D: "Man, this is starting to cost me money, ya know. Soon the video store is going to be on my ass and rightly so, 'cause when you rent a video, you enter into a sacred trust!" K: "I tell ya what. Let's have dinner tonight. Pesto's at eight. I'll bring the video, I'll bring _The Godfather_; you know that Paul Simon album you've been wanting me to tape? I'll tape it and bring that too, *and* dinner's on me. D: [Feeling like a jerk] "You don't have to bother with all that; just bring me the video." K: "No, I want to. I'm just sick about the whole thing." D: "OK. Pesto's at eight." K: "Will do." [Cut to night; it's after 9:30, and Dean is nowhere to be found.] Waiter: "Would you care to order, sir?" D: "Could I have another brasket of bed please?" [yes, brasket of bed; Lex is a gallon of nerves in a quart jar. Dean walks by the front window of Pesto's with his girlfriend.] Girlfriend: "So, you'll bring the condoms tomorrow? K: "Will do." D: "Hey! What up, huh!" [Almost hits Dean, but can't bring himself to] You were supposed to meet me at the restaurant at eight, where were you?!?" K: "Slipped my mind. But I feel horrible about the whole thing." D: "No! I don't want to hear it! You're the king of empty promises! What we're gonna do now, is we're gonna go to your place and get my stuff, understand?!" K: "I have to take my friend [the girl] home first, but I tell you what I'll do. I'll bring your _Mahogany_ video, [Lex starts to shake his head; he's *not having it*] the _Godfather_ video, the Paul Simon tape, a bottle of Scotch, *and* a written apology. I'll meet ya in a half hour." [Lex stops shaking head abruptly] D: "OK. Sorry I had to crack the whip." K: "Forget it." [Dean and girlfriend board a Greyhound.] Girlfriend: "Shouldn't you've told him I live in Winnipeg?" K: "Slipped my mind." 4.28) Gavin at the Funeral [+] From Twangtwang@aol.com: Gavin (Bruce), Gavin's dad (Kevin), and Murray (that old guy) Dave: "Now I see the tragic side of dance marathons. We were this close to winning." Bruce: "I don't know why you're blubbering, she was *my* mom." [A female relative gives Gavin a casserole, which sparks:] B: "Why are you giving me this, cause you don't know how to communicate with me, cause my Mom is dead? [sets down the casserole] Mosquitoes live for only one day, you know, so if they skip breakfast, I guess they had a bad childhood. If death is the great teacher, then what about my science teacher Mr. Gorgenchuck? Who, when you leave the fan on, his ears whistle. So we always leave the fan on." [Enter Gavin's dad (Kevin), a ne'er do well who does his hair like he's the second coming of Elvis.] B: "Hi Dad. Are you out on probation? ... Dad, this kid at school, he still has a mom, and that can't be fair, cause she ever eats is vodka, and coffee, and *bridge mix*." K: "My little son, my little seed. My little, um..." B: "Legal responsibility?" K: "Would you wait right here a minute, son?" B: "Where are you going, to steal a car?" K: "Gavin, this is Sheila [Scott in a horrid canary yellow skirt and jacket, with Peg Bundy red hair put up]. Now Sheila and I have been writing letters during my time in jail, and I got the day off for the funeral, so I figured I'd kill two birds with one stone. Gavin, this is your new mom!" [Gavin starts to get apoplectic.] K: "I don't want to think of her as your new Mom, so much as a stranger in the kitchen wearing your old mom's clothes. And filling them out a bit better too, I might add." S: "Hi there, little guy. Hi there, little mourner." B: "Dad!" K: "Gavin, Dad is busy haggling. C'mon Murray, twelve quarts of embalming fluid? Who ya trying to kid?" S: "Gavin, I bet I know what would cheer you up..." B: "If my mom came back to life and murdered you?!" S: "No, if Sheila had a cigarette." B: "You know what'd make a better new mom? A head or a dog or a rat or a cow or a clump of mud or a piece of string." S: "Gavin, I know how you feel, cause you see my Mom died too. OK, it was a little bit different: she'd been in a coma for ten years and I was over 40, but still, when they pulled that plug..." B: "Dad!!!" K: "Look, it's not too late for me to make other arrangements. You're not the only funeral home in this town..." B: "Fake mom! Vinyl mom! Sweet N Low mom!" K: "Ah look, he's calling you mom! ... Ah, hate, love, the whole damn thing. The important thing is, we're a family. A son, a dad, a Sheila, and a cop." 4.29) Buddy Seeks a New Lover [+] From Twangtwang@aol.com: Buddy Cole (Scott) details his quest, wearing a Scottish tartan. "It's times like these I just don't wanna be a faggot... I just broke up with my lover Zeke. I think he was cheating on me. His nickname for me was 'Next!' So I picked myself, dusted myself off, swallowed my pride because it's still safe... I sat down and drew up a list of high risk groups I should avoid in my search for a new man. For instance: addicts, Americans (mostly for their politics), Armenians (that has nothing to do with AIDS, it's just that I'm part Azerbaijani). It took me a whole afternoon just to get through the Bs. By the time my list was completed, everyone had been eliminated, except for one: Miss Eleanor Parissi, an 83 year old virgin in perfect health... So I rang her up.... She greeted me at the door, an absolute vision: in a blue housedress, smelling faintly of rosewater... We sat on her horse hair sofa and watched 'Hockey Tonight'. She let me pet her cat - if you think I 'm going to make a pussy joke, you're sadly mistaken!... She drank too much ginger ale and passed out at 10:30. When I got home, I was still horny, so I masturbated while watching an old rerun of Mary Tyler Moore. Thinking of Gordy (?) , but only during the commercials; it's just not fair to Mary." 4.30) Daddy Drank [+] From Twangtwang@aol.com: Kevin as the grown son of an alcoholic father (Dave), remembering what that was like. Dave: "God night, son, sleep tight, and remember, I could murder you while you sleep. It's easy, son, all you got to be is quiet and willing to do it. And son, I am *willing* to do it. And, I've *quiet shoes*." Kevin: "Daddy drank..." D: "Son, how many girls called you today? Zero? And how many called yesterday, lemme guess, zero? You know what they say, son, zero plus zero equals FAG! Zero times any other number always equals FAG! Think about it, ya little mathematician." K: "Daddy drank..." D: "Son, wake up, it's midnight Christmas eve, and I wanted to thank you, son. I don't deserve this. [opens present] What the hell is this? Tap shoes? I don't dance. I can't dance, ya little bastard!" K: "Daddy couldn't dance; oh, Daddy could *drink.*" D: "Today after work, I went out and bought you that puppy you've been wanting. But on my way home, I got hungry and I ate him! I'm joking. I'd never buy you a puppy." K: "Why didn't Daddy give drinking? He couldn't. Daddy drank for the government!" [Son wakes and turns on his lamp, to find Daddy poised with his hands inches away from throttling him to death. Return to Kevin, who spits out the mixed drink the camera caught him imbibing] K: "Oh sure, I drink a little, but I'm not my Daddy. He was older and children like me. I have a little drink by my bed to help me sleep; it's not a drinking thing, it's a sleeping thing." 4.31) Gavin at the Butcher-shop [+] From Twangtwang@aol.com: Most of the Gavin scene set in a butcher-shop. Bruce: "Who do you think would win in a fight between a dog and a monkey?" Kevin: "The monkey?" B: "I'll say! This kid, well she's a girl really, she goes to my pool, and she has false teeth. I found them in the pool when I was diving for bucks.... And she can't eat meat, know why?" K: "No teeth." B: "No, she's a vegetarian.... One thing I don't wanna be when I grow up, is a butcher. Is this what you wanted to be when you were a kid like me?" K: "Yeah kid, it's a lifelong dream come true. Say kid, where's your mom?" B: "Oh I'm killing time because she's getting a makeover." Cut to Mark in a mud pack that's being sanded off by power tools. B: "My mom saws that if there's a depression, that I'll have to enter a dance marathon, cause I'm the man of the house. I better start sloooow. You know what's in wieners? Well, there's cow's eyes, and dog's heads, and old phone books, and of course, *wiener flavor*.... How much do you think my head weighs?" K: "With or without hair?" B: "With." [rolls eyes as if to say 'Duh'] K: "Twelve pounds." B: "If my head were veal, which I know it is not, how much would it be worth?" K: "Fifty four dollars." B: [Mulls it over a moment] "No, I don't think I'll sell." 4.32) Mississippi Gary and Kathy Have it Out [+] From Twangtwang@aol.com: Here's most of the fight between Mississippi Gary (Mark) and one of our two favorite office wage slaves, she of the red hair and dewdrop glasses (Bruce)... Mark: "I got hurt the best way, by a woman, a meeeean bitchy woman. She gave me the blues so bad, I be lying on my bed, my eyes popping wide open, I hadta call my buddy, say come on over here and shut my eyes for me, I got the blues. I got hoit by a real professional, yes I did. She call herself Kathy, now that's Kathy with a K." Bruce: "... If having high standards is being a bitch, well then I'm not a bitch.... After a while, dating a blues guy can get depressing. He brings his work home with him. I mean Gary, I don't like Mondays either but I _still_ go to work." M: "When Kathy with a K gets mad, you understand, she gets the devil right in her eye... And she don't hurt a guy one time, no sir, she hurt a guy *five* times. One time, she won't talk to me, two times, she don't walk with me, three times, she won't squawk with me, four times, she won't walk with me but in another place ya understand, and five time she start to eat. Cause when Kathy wtih a K gets the devil in her eye, the devil takes that bus and drives it right down to her thighs." Back to Kathy, who is even then eating a chocolate cupcake. B: "I eat, I do. I pick, I nibble... But I don't have an eating disorder. I don't hide food, [subconsciously pulls out the drawer where she's hidden it.] I mean, we're at the Keg for heaven's sakes. That salad bar is *three miles long*! Even if you have a little bit of this and a little bit of that, before you know it, you're in way over your head!" K: "I been waitin' five minutes, I been waitin' ten minutes, I been waitin' fifteen minutes... Finally, I say, 'Waiter, waiter!' Bring me a cup of coffee, 'cause I'm waitin' on a mean mistreater here!" B: "He's a fun date, but he's no life partner. There *are* other fish in the sea - and some of them aren't DRUNK! Child!" M: "Heart breaker!" B: "Ill mannered!" M: "Looooove taker!" B: "Irresponsible!" M: "Oooh; swamp witch!" B: "I want the money you owe me back!" M: "Ya know, I thought I left her kind behind in the bayou." 4.33) McGillicutty and Greene [+] From Twangtwang@aol.com: Kevin and Dave are McGillicutty and Greene, a vaudeville team who tackles one of the classics of the milieu. Kevin: "Say Mr. Greene, I hear you manage a baseball team." Dave: "No. I'm a vaudevillian." K: "No, I think you manage a baseball team!" D: "Yes of course, yes I do manage a baseball team." K: "I understand some of the players have rather strange nicknames, rather silly pet names the players have nowadays." D: "Yes, it's true. In fact, I have the team roster with me right here. For instance, Hu is on first base, Watt is on second, and Iduno is on third base." K: "Who's on first base?" D: "Yes." K: "Who?" D: "Yes, Hu is the man on first base." K: "Why are you asking me; I'm asking you! What's the name of the guy on first base?" D: "No no, Watt is on - oh, I see what your problem is! Look, you're confused by their names, because they all sound like questions." K: "I dunno (whispers) third base." D: "Well, I'll explain it to you. See, on first base is Hu, Samuel Hu, and you're probably not familiar with that name because his grandfather was Chinese. And on second base is Hector Watt, W-A-T-T Watt, and that's not so unusual because James Watt invented the steam engine. And on third base is Phil Iduno, I-D-U-N-O, and if you do say that fast, it does sound like the phrase 'gee, I dunno,' but it's actually Iduno, Phil Iduno." K: "That's it. You're hopeless, you're pathetic, you're the worst straight man I ever worked with. I quit. I should have never saved you from those seals." D: "What are you talking about? I auditioned for this job." K: "Bastaaaard!" -- Who contributed to this FAQ? Many people have graciously contributed to this FAQ. Please see the complete list in Part 1 of this FAQ. If you have any information, additions, corrections, comments, submissions, suggestions, requests, ideas, or complaints about this FAQ please send email to the FAQ maintainer davidson@mercury.interpath.net (Drew Davidson). ------------------------------ Copyright Information Copyright 1994-1995 Andrew B. Davidson and the individual contributors listed in Part 1 of this FAQ. Distribution PROHIBITED except under the terms listed in Part 1 of this FAQ. ------------------------------ End of alt.tv.kids-in-hall FAQ Part 3/3 ***************************************