================================================ The Official Usenet alt.tv.kids-in-hall FAQ List ================================================ Part 3: The Kids in the Hall Recurring Characters, and Censored Lines See Parts 1, 2 and 4 of this FAQ (posted separately) for more information. Administrivia ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This FAQ would not be possible without the contributions of Kids in the Hall fans. Please see the complete list of contributors in Part 1 of this FAQ. Thank you to all who contributed! This FAQ is maintained by Drew Davidson (davidson@mercury.interpath.net). Please see the submission guidelines in Part 1 of this FAQ if you have corrections or submissions. This FAQ is written in the WWW FAQ Format by Thomas Fine. This format allows automatic conversion from text to WWW hypertext. [+] Indicates new or revised answers. See also summary of changes in Part 1 of this FAQ. Contents: ~~~~~~~~ Recurring Character List Censored Lines [+] Who contributed to this FAQ? Copyright Information ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Recurring Character List ------------------------ This section of the FAQ contains a list of characters that have appeared in more than one episode of KITH. Each character is listed by name, with the Kid who plays him/her in parenteses. ("Not a Kid" is listed if the character is not played by a Kid.) A short description of the character is listed, and an identifying quote from the character. All of the sketches the character appears in are listed, and a season number is listed for each sketch. The sketch names and season numbers are taken from Part 2 of this FAQ. "Listed as" in this list refers to the name this character is listed under in the Sketch List. If "listed as" does not appear, the character is listed in the Sketch List with their whole name. This section attempts to be alphabetical. Most characters are alphabetized under their more-commonly-known first names instead of less-commonly known last names. Related characters (or characters that always appear together) are listed under the name of their association. There are tons of cross references so you shouldn't have any trouble. The cross references also have the letter under which the real entry is alphabetized. If you have any suggestions for alternate ways to organize this, email davidson@mercury.interpath.net. Some characters are listed with the spelling of their names as it appears in the closed captioning ("CC Name"). Names from the closed-captioning are probably not canonical, but are listed if they differ from the common spellings. (?whatever? means don't know the exact name or info might be wrong.) +-----------------------==> SPOILER WARNING <==----------------------+ | Although an effort has been made to avoid *major* spoilers for the | | sketches, some of the information does contain spoilers!!!! | +------------------------------------------------------------------------+ Sketches that are in brackets are not listed in the Sketch List. If you can provide info for these sketches please email. The Kids in the Hall Recurring Characters ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Apathetic Cop (Kevin) ============= Sketches: Apathetic Burgular (1) Lackluster Incompetent Cop Armada ~~~~~~ Listed as: Armada Rod Torfulson (Bruce): drummer for Rod Torfulson's Armada featuring Herman ============= Menderchuck Quote: "I'm a drummer, and drummers believe in honesty." Sketches: Rod Torfulson's Armada (3) Rod Torfulson's Armada (4) Herman Menderchuck (Mark): bass player for Rod Torfulson's Armada ================== featuring Herman Menderchuck Sketches: Rod Torfulson's Armada (3) Rod Torfulson's Armada (4) ?Guitar Player for Armada? (Kevin): singer, songwriter, and lead guitar ========================== for Rod Torfulson's Armada featuring Herman Menderchuck Sketches: Rod Torfulson's Armada (3) Rod Torfulson's Armada (4) A.T. & Love ~~~~~~~~~~~ Danny Husk (Scott): businessman at A.T. & Love; former porn star ("Blade ========== Rogers") Sketches: Fire at Business Meeting (1) Surprise Party (1) New Development in the Sauna (2) Men's Nipples (2) I've Been Kidnapped (3) A.T. & Love's Danny Husk -- Porn Star (3) Don't Blame the Clown (3) Warrior-Within Weekend (4) Stump Hand Waiter (5) ?A.T. & Love Boss? (Dave): businessman at A.T. & Love =================== Sketches: Who's to Blame!?! (2) A.T. & Love's Danny Husk -- Porn Star (3) Don't Blame the Clown (3) Warrior-Within Weekend (4) Axel -- see Humanoids for Humanism (H) ==== Axe Murderer (Dave) ============ Sketches: Traveling Blade Sharpener Substitute Axe Bad Doctor -- see Doctor (D) ========== Chris Belamy (Bruce): businessman, repeatedly fired ============ Sketches: Firing Chris (2) (3 sketches in one show) Tarzan the Businessman (4) Paul Bellini (Paul Bellini): always appears wearing only a bath towel ============ Sketches: Touch Paul Bellini (2) Touch Paul Bellini Winner (2) Bigot Cabbie (Mark): prejudiced cab driver ============ Quote: "Get out of my cab you Serbian bastard!" Sketches: Bigot Cabbie (4) Christine and Raj Switch Tables/Bigot Cabbie (4) Brent Sudelman -- see Brent Sudleman (S) ============== Brett Sudelman -- see Brett Sudleman (S) ============== Businessmen ~~~~~~~~~~~ Gerald (Bruce): businessman, does business with Gerald (Mark) ====== Quote: "Listen, Gerald, I'm going to put you on hold for a minute to gain power." Sketches: Relationship Negotiations (1) Businessmen Networking (1) Businessman in a Slump (2) Businessmen (3) Gerald (Mark): businessman, does business with Gerald (Bruce) ====== Sketches: Relationship Negotiations (1) Businessmen Networking (1) Businessman in a Slump (2) Businessmen (3) Danny Husk -- see A.T. & Love (A) ========== Robert (Bruce): businessman ====== Sketches: But First... (3) Cucumber Salad on Face (2) Truck Owner -- see Bobby's Father (Mr. Terrance) (B) =========== Bobby & Family ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Bobby Terrance (Bruce): teenage guitar player rebel wannabe ============== Listed as: Bobby Sketches: Stop the World -- We Broke Up (1) Death of Rock (1) First Poem (1) Bobby vs. Satan -- Guitar Fight (2) F-ing Good Ham (2) Looking for Pot (3) Doug Terrance (Mark): Bobby's father; trucking company owner ============= Listed as: Bobby's father Quote: "You're gonna tell me that, when over 20 women have called me lover, and I have 'clove unto them' as the Bible said? I've read the Bible, Stan. I'm well-read. I look good in red. I pay my taxes on demand. I shook Pierre Treudeau's hand back in 1981 and that's the same hand that's holding this phone!" Sketches: Stop the World -- We Broke Up (1) Truck Owner (1) Plunger Salesman (2) Trucker Businessman (2) Doug's Mistress (2) Bobby vs. Satan -- Guitar Fight (2) F-ing Good Ham (2) Jean Terrance (Dave): Bobby's mother ============= Listed as: Bobby's mother Sketches: Stop the World -- We Broke Up (1) Bobby vs. Satan -- Guitar Fight (2) F-ing Good Ham (2) Doug's Mistress (2) Bower (Scott): long haired pot smoker ===== CC Name: Bauer Sketches: Theo the Teacher (2) F-ing Good Ham (2) Looking for Pot (3) [Affair with Kyle's mother (part of the "Spot Bellini" contest) (4)] Brad (Scott): occasional character; blown by Leslie the Vampire Fag ==== Quote: "You owe me fifty bucks you faux French fag!" Sketches: Leslie the Vampire Fag (1) The Darcy Pennell Show* (1) Phone Sex (2) Don't Call Her 1 (3) Brian -- see Fran & Family (F) ===== Bruno Puntz Jones -- see Fiore (F) ================= Buddy Cole (Scott): gay bar-owner ========== Listed as: Buddy Sketches: Buddy on a Desert Island (1) Buddy's Bar -- Canadians (1) Buddy's Bar -- Race Relations (1) Buddy's Bar -- Dinosaurs (1) The Kaffuffle* (2) Buddy's Bar -- Sappho Sluggers (2) Wood Nymph (2) Buddy's Bar (2) Buddy in Prison (2) Buddy's Bar (3) Buddy's Bar (3) -- Paris Buddy's Bar -- Drugs (3) Buddy's Bar -- Tammy the Pop Star (3) Chalet 2000* (4) In the Old Days/Buddy's Bar (4) Buddy at the Cemetary (4) Buddy -- Virtual Reality (4) Buddy's Bar -- Montreal (5) Cabbie -- see Bigot Cabbie (B) ====== Cathy & Kathie & Office ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Cathy (Scott): office worker ===== Sketches: Cathy & Kathie & the Temp (1) Cathy & Kathie -- Is He or Isn't He? (1) Kathie's Turning Over! (1) Kathie's Dream (2) Cathy & Kathie -- Girls' Night Out (2) Cathy & Kathie -- Scandalous Weekend (2) Cathy & Kathie & Decaf (2) Tanya the Temp Leaves (3) Cathy & Kathie & the New Girl (4) Kathie Lassiter (Bruce): office worker =============== Quote: "The cute as a species don't age well." Listed as: Kathie Sketches: Cathy & Kathie & the Temp (1) Cathy & Kathie -- Is He or Isn't He? (1) Kathie's Turning Over! (1) Kathie's Dream (2) Cathy & Kathie -- Girls' Night Out (2) Cathy & Kathie -- Scandalous Weekend (2) Cathy & Kathie & Decaf (2) Tanya the Temp Leaves (3) [Kathie's monologue "Go Jays Go" w/ picture of Kelly Gruber (4)] Cathy & Kathie & the New Girl (4) Tanya (Mark): temp at Cathy & Kathie's office ===== Quote: "It seems sometimes that all my life has been one big temp." Sketches: Cathy & Kathie & the Temp (1) Cathy & Kathie -- Is He or Isn't He? (1) Cathy & Kathie -- Girls' Night Out (2) Cathy & Kathie -- Scandalous Weekend (2) Cathy & Kathie & Decaf (2) Tanya the Temp Leaves (3) Tanya at a Party (3) Elizabeth Ferguson (Dave): Cathy & Kathie's boss ================== Listed as: Ms. Ferguson Quote: "Did I miss the big cookie? I did so want to be here for the big cookie." Sketches: Kathie's Turning Over! (1) Cathy & Kathie & Decaf (1) Tanya the Temp Leaves (3) ?Secretary? (Kevin): Cathy & Kathie's co-worker =========== Listed as: Secretary Sketches: Cathy & Kathie -- Is He or Isn't He? (1) Kathie's Turning Over! (1) [???] Cathy & Kathie & Decaf (2) Cathy & Kathie -- Girls' Night Out(2) [???] Kathie's Dream (2) [???] Butch -- see Steps (S) ===== Cabbage Head (Bruce): male chauvanist pig with a cabbage for a head ============ Quote: "So listen, ladies. I don't mean this to sound like a come-on line, but does anyone here want to have sex?" Sketches: Cabbage Head on Date (1) Cabbage Head at a Restaurant (2) Cabbage Head Shot/Talk Show (2) [Cabbagehead seeing Mark home after a date (pilot?)] Channel 7 News Team (Mark & Dave): Nena????? =================== Sketches: Making Up the News (2) Two Clearly Insane People (2) Crying Anchorman (2) Cameraman Ted Riley Memorial (4) Chicken Lady -- see Freaks (F) ============ Christine -- see Raj & Christine (R) ========= Cole, Buddy -- see Buddy (B) =========== Confidante to the Stars ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Weston Esterhazy (Scott): confidante to the stars ================ Sketches: Confidante to the Stars (1) Who's Gay...* (1) Confidante to the Stars -- Spoon-head Party (2) Virgil Black (Mark): friend of Weston Esterhazy, confidante to the stars ============ Quote: "Classic Hollywood irony -- guaranteed someone named Mr. Clean is performing the unspeakable vice of the Greeks." Sketches: Confidante to the Stars (1) Who's Gay...* (1) Cops -- see Police Department (P) ==== Danny Husk -- see A.T. & Love (A) ========== Darryl Vosnick(?) (Mark) : annoyingly oblivious pinhead from Belgium ================= CC Names: Doril, Darryl Quote: "I find that very insulting. I happen to know several pinheads and they're fully functioning members of society. So there." Sketches: The Affair* (2) (he's married in this sketch!) Darryl on a Date (2) Darryl the Big Brother (2) Darryl on a Date -- Darryl's Momma (3) Darryl the Waiter (3) Flying Pig 1 (3) Painting with Darryl (3) Darryl on a Date (4) Darryl on a Date -- the Oompah Band (4) Feelyat! (5) Dean -- see Will Do Guy (W) ==== Doctor (Dave): a really bad doctor ====== Quote: "I figured, how far can you coast on charm? Well, pretty far, actually!" Sketches: Bad Doctor (2) Appendix Scar of Hate (3) Bruce Lookalike 2/Dad Died -- Call Mom (3) Awkward Talk with Father in the Hospital (4) Prince Edward ============= Sketches: The Kafuffle* (2) Canada Abandons Monarchy (3) English-Speaking Guy (Scott): thinks everybody should speak English ==================== Sketches: The Guy Who Speaks English (2) I Speak No English (2) Esterhazy, Weston -- see Confidante to the Stars (C) ================= Evan (Bruce): intense guy that sells shoes and stereos for Satan ==== Quote: "Brown? I am quite well stocked in the color of cowards." Sketches: Evan the Shoe Salesman (2) Evan the Stereo Salesman (5) Fiore ~~~~~ Francesca Fiore (Scott): Italian movie star =============== Sketches: Complicated Italian Movie with Francesca Fiore (2) The Darcy Pennell Show* with Francesca Fiore (3) Spy Models* (3) Mr. Tassan and the Trial (4) Fiore Parfums Commercial (4) Bruno Puntz Jones (Dave): Italian movie star; Francesca Fiore's husband, ================= former lover, and future pimp Quote: "Chit chat, whatever. Let me play my game. [spins gun chamber and puts gun to own head]" Sketches: Complicated Italian Movie with Francesca Fiore (2) The Darcy Pennell Show* with Francesca Fiore (3) Spy Models* (3) Mr. Tassan and the Trial (4) Flying Pig (Bruce): entertains people in line-ups ========== Sketches: Flying Pig (3) Flying Pig Remeniscing (3) Son of Flying Pig (3) (this is actually the Flying Pig's son) Fran & Family ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Fran (Scott): neurotic mother ==== Sketches: Stinky Pink (1) Pre-Vacation Family Blowout (1) Salty Ham (1) I Got Fired Today (2) Sleepwalking (3) Fran & Judy the New Widow (4) [Fran's dissertation on fancy foods (4)] [Fran visiting her newly widowed sister Barbara (Mark) and nephew (Kevin) (2?)] [Brian's been arrested (5)] [Fran & Gordon - Brian announced he was "shy" & Gordon visualized Brian with Atilla. (pilot)] Gordon (Bruce): Fran's Husband ====== Sketches: Pre-Vacation Family Blowout (1) Salty Ham (1) I Got Fired Today (2) Sleepwalking (3) Fran & Judy the New Widow (4) [Fran's dissertation on fancy foods (4)] [Fran & Gordon - Brian announced he was "shy" & Gordon visualized Brian with Atilla. (pilot)] Brian (Dave): son of Fran and Gordon ===== Sketches: Pre-Vacation Family Blowout (1) I Got Fired Today (2) Sleepwalking (3) [Fran's dissertation on fancy foods (4)] [Fran & Gordon - Brian announced he was "shy" & Gordon visualized Brian with Atilla. (pilot)] Judy (Dave): Fran's friend; a widow ==== Sketches: Fran & Judy the New Widow (4) Francesca Fiore -- see Fiore (F) =============== Francois & Jacques (Kevin & Dave): business suit trappers ================== Sketches: Business-Suit Trappers (2) Chalet 2000 (4) Freaks ~~~~~~ Chicken Lady (Mark): a freak of nature; half human, half chicken ============ Quote: "Fresh from my body and onto your plate!" Sketches: Phone Sex (2) The Man Whose Nose Bleeds At Will (2) Chicken Lady (2) Bearded Lady Marries (3) Chicken Lady at Strip Show (3) Chicken Lady Visits Her Old House (4) Bearded Lady (Kevin): a freak ============ Quote: "We can drink as much as we want, we're freaks!" Sketches: Bearded Lady Marries (3) Chicken Lady at Strip Show (3) Chicken Lady Visits Her Old House (4) Ms. Ferguson -- see Cathy & Kathie & Office (C) ============ Gavin & Family ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Gavin (Bruce): precocious, inquisitive child ===== Sketches: Gavin and the Chair-Painting Guy (2) Gavin (2) Gavin Pricing Meat (2) Gavin's Love (3) Gavin's Mother's Funeral (3) Gavin -- Door-to-Door Missionaries (4) Gavin at the Police Department (5) Gavin's Mother (Mark): Gavin's mother; now deceased ============== Sketches: Gavin (2) Gavin Pricing Meat (2) Gavin's Love (3) Nick (Kevin): Gavin's father ==== Listed as: Gavin's father Sketches: Gavin's Mother's Funeral (3) Gavin -- Door-to-Door Missionaries (4) Sheila (Scott): Gavin's new mother ====== Sketches: Gavin's Mother's Funeral (3) Gerald -- see Businessmen (B) ====== Gord -- see Money Momentum (M) ==== Gordon -- see Fran & Family (F) ====== Gunfighter (Dave): a gunfighter in the modern world ========== Sketches: Hired Gun Concession Stand (1) Gunfighter (1) Head Crusher -- see Mr. Tyzik (T) ============ Mr. Heavyfoot (Dave): French; has heavy feet ============= Quote: None (never talks) Sketches: Mr. Heavyfoot Runs a Marathon* (2) Mr. Heavyfoot Test Drives a Car* (2) Mr. Heavyfoot Kicks a Ball* (2) Mr. Heavyfoot Has a Date* (2) Mr. Heavyfoot on the Moon* (2) Mr. Heavyfoot Puts on his Pants* (3) Mr. Heavyfoot Hates the Movie* (3) Hecubus -- see Pit of Ultimate Darkness (P) ======= He's Hip, He's Cool, He's 45 (Bruce): 45-year-old hip guy ============================ Listed as: He's Hip Quote: "Listen, you wanna smoke a doobie with your old man?" Sketches: He's 45 (3) (3 sketches in show) He's 45 (4) (3 sketches in show???) Herman Menderchuck -- see Armada (A) ================== Hookers -- see Whores (W) ======= Humanoids for Humanism ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Listed as: Humanoids for Humanism (unless one appears individually) Shona (Bruce): member of Humanoids for Humanism; shot Cabbage Head ===== Quote: "Isn't that just like a man?!" Sketches: Animal Rights Commandos (2) Buddy's Bar -- Sappho Sluggers (2) Humanoids for Humanism Meeting/Cabbage Head Shot (2) Steps -- Gay Pride (5) Ozone (Scott): member of Humanoids for Humanism ===== Quote: "Are we to abandon our simian brother, just because he throws food and has a tri-colored ass?" Sketches: Animal Rights Commandos (2) Humanoids for Humanism Meeting/Cabbage Head Shot (2) Axel (Mark): member of Humanoids for Humanism ==== Sketches: Animal Rights Commandos (2) Humanoids for Humanism Meeting/Cabbage Head Shot (2) Husk, Danny -- see A.T. & Love (A) =========== It's a Fact Girl (Not a Kid): reveals various facts ================ Sketches: It's a Fact (in numerous episodes) The "It's a Fact" Girl and the Queen (2) Jeff -- see Money Momentum (M) ==== Joe -- actually Sid. See Sid & Sharisse (S) === Jones, Bruno Puntz -- see Fiore (F) ================== Joselyn -- see Whores (W) ======= Kathie -- see Cathy & Kathie & Office (C) ===== Myra Ketchell (Bruce): woman with red beehive hair ============= Quote: "No rest for the wicked." Sketches: Making Potato Salad (3) Out of Body Experience Lex -- see Will Do Guy (W) === Leslie the Vampire Fag (Mark): ====================== Sketches: Leslie the Vampire Fag (1) Leslie the Vampire Fag (2) Lilly -- actually Sharisse. See Sid & Sharisse (S) ===== Manservant Hecubus -- see Pit of Ultimate Darkness (P) ================== Maudre -- see Whores (W) ====== MC Simon Milligan -- see Pit of Ultimate Darkness (P) ================= Melanie (Mark): teenage girl with braces ======= Sketches: Cutest Boy on Death Row (1) Pick-up Artist with Tarantulas (1) Melanie's Date (2) Impatient Guy in Line (2) Melanie goes Rollerblading (4) Menderchuck, Herman -- see Armada (A) =================== Milligan, Simon -- see Pit of Ultimate Darkness (P) =============== Mississippi Gary (Mark): blues singer; dated Kathie ================ Quote: "I got the blues so bad, I be lyin' there my eyes be poppin' wide open I gotta call up a friend say 'buddy, get on over here, shut my eyes for me, I got the blues.'" Sketches: Kathie the Mean Mistreater (1) Blues Man Heckler (2) After-Death Experience (3) Money Momentum ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Listed as: Money Momentum Guys Gord (Bruce): Money Momentum; also sold Gimmel-100; ==== Gezbo the Video-Selling Clown Quote: "The Gimmel-100 is the greatest keyboard ever made. It does everything but pay for itself." Sketches: Money Momentum (2) Gimmel-100 Salesmen (3) Gezbo the Video-Selling Clown (4) Jeff (Mark): Money Momentum; also sold Gimmel-100; ==== Gezbo the Video-Selling Clown Quote: "Ahh, but you *have* to buy it. You *touched* it." Sketches: Money Momentum (2) Gimmel-100 Salesmen (3) Gezbo the Video-Selling Clown (4) Murray (Not a Kid): ever-present guy in the stereo store; appears in other ====== sketches too Quote: None (never talks) Sketches: Stereo Bargaining (3) Gavin's Mother's Funeral (3) Evan the Stereo Salesman (5) Nena & Husband ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Nena Spudniak (Mark): ???? ============= Listed as: Nena Quote: "Let's skip the sex and get straight to the guilt." Sketches: Surprise Party (1) Pie-Eating Contest Love (1) The Friendly Couples (2) First Date (2) Cameraman Ted Riley Memorial (4) ?? Parents who Find their Son's Pot (4) ?Murray Spudniak? (Scott): Nena's husband ================ Listed as: Nena's husband Sketches: Pie-Eating Contest Love (1) The Friendly Couples (2) Parents who Find their Son's Pot (4) Nick -- see Gavin & Family (G) ==== ?The "Nobody Likes Us" Guys? (Kevin & Dave): pouting guys that nobody likes ============================ Listed as: Nobody Likes Us Guys Quote: "Nobody likes us." Sketches: Think I'll Go Eat Worms (1) You Don't Like Us (1) "Nobody Likes Us" Guys on a Date (1) Officer -- see Police Department (P) ======= Ozone -- see Humanoids for Humanism (H) ===== Darcy Pennell (Kevin): host of "The Darcy Pennell Show" talk show ============= Sketches: The Darcy Pennell Show* (1) The Darcy Pennell Show* with Francesca Fiore (3) Pit of Ultimate Darkness ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Listed as: Pit of Ultimate Darkness MC Simon Milligan (Kevin): host of The Pit of Ultimate Darkness; master of ================= funk... and EVIL! Quote: "Today we will look at the evil you kids can have on a rainy day. Did you know you can summon up the powers of darkness in the comfort of you own home? It's true. All you need is common household baking soda, some white vinegar, and... GOAT'S BLOOD. You might want to get your mom to help you with the slaughter of the goat." Sketches: Pit of Ultimate Darkness (1) Pit of Ultimate Darkness (2) Pit of Ultimate Darkness on a Date (3) Pit of Ultimate Darkness -- Hecubus Fired (3) Pit of Ultimate Darkness -- Employee-Employer Exchange (4) Manservant Hecubus (Dave): Simon Milligan' EVIL assistant ================== Sketches: Pit of Ultimate Darkness (1) Pit of Ultimate Darkness (2) Pit of Ultimate Darkness on a Date (3) Pit of Ultimate Darkness -- Hecubus Fired (3) Pit of Ultimate Darkness -- Employee-Employer Exchange (4) Police Department ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Listed as: Police Department Police Officer (Bruce): from Police Department ============== Sketches: Police Department (in numerous episodes) Police Department -- Car Chase (2) Whores (4) Steps (5) Police Officer (Mark): from Police Department ============== Quote: "OK, to the best of your ability, could you give me a description of myself running naked through the woods?" Sketches: Police Department (in numerous episodes) Police Department -- Car Chase (2) Whores (4) Steps (5) Preacher Character (Mark) ================== Sketches: Preacher Character Sermon Sex Girl Patrol Prince Edward -- see Prince Edward (E) ============= The Queen (Scott): The Queen of England ========= Sketches: The Kaffuffle* (2) It's-a-Fact Girl and the Queen (2) Canada Abandons Monarchy (2) Stay Down! (3) Tammy -- The Pickle (3) Chalet 2000* (4) Raj & Christine ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Raj (Scott): Christine's bohemian friend === Sketches: The Thrift Shop (3) Christine and Raj Switch Tables (4) Christine (Mark): Raj's bohemian friend ========= Quote: "We need to get an exorcist in here and this time I'm *serious*, OK?" Sketches: The Thrift Shop (3) Christine and Raj Switch Tables (4) Really Bad Doctor -- see Doctor (D) ================= Riley -- see Steps (S) ===== Rob Torfulson -- see Armada (A) ============= Robert -- see Businessmen (B) ====== Rudy -- see Whores (W) ==== Satan (Mark): the front man of evil, the devil himself ===== Sketches: Evan the Shoe Salesman (2) Bobby vs. Satan -- Guitar Fight (2) Looking for Pot (3) Bruce's Regrets (3) Evan the Stereo Salesman (5) Sharisse -- see Sid & Sharisse (S) ======== Sheila -- see Gavin & Family (G) ====== Sid & Sharisse (formerly Joe & Lilly) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Sid (Bruce): Sharisse's small common-law husband-to-be === Sketches: Stay Down! (3) Sid & Sharisse (3) I'm Charging You (4) Sid & Sharisse and the Pizza Guy (4) Street Fight (4) (3 sketches in episode) Sharisse (Mark): Sid's common-law bride-to-be ======== Sketches: Stay Down! (3) Sid & Sharisse (3) I'm Charging You (4) Sid & Sharisse and the Pizza Guy (4) Simon Milligan -- see Pit of Ultimate Darkness (P) ============== Jerry Sizzler (Kevin): one of two clearly insane people; ============= real name "Jean Pierre" Listed as: Jerry & Jerry Sizzler Quote: "Sisters! We're a couple of sisters!" Sketches: Two Clearly Insane People (2) Two Clearly Insane People Rob a Bank (2) One Clearly Insane Person (3) Jerry Sizzler (Dave): one of two clearly insane people ============= real name "Mr. Lister" Listed as: Jerry & Jerry Sizzler Quote: "Sisters! We're a couple of sisters!" Sketches: Two Clearly Insane People (2) Two Clearly Insane People Rob a Bank (2) One Clearly Insane Person (3) Shirling Guy (Mark): exhibition shirling organizer; collector of bad art ============ Sketches: Cheap, Crappy Art (4) Exhibition Shirling (3) Slimy MC (Bruce): the slimy MC guy ======== Quote: "One hand clapping against the other makes a very nice sound for..." Sketches: Two Clearly Insane People (2) Chicken Lady at Strip Show (3) Smitty -- see Steps (S) ====== Spudniak, Nena -- see Nena & Husband (N) ============== Steps ~~~~~ Listed as: Steps Butch (Scott): gay man from "Steps" (aka "Butchie") ===== Quote: "I'm not a *complete* slut!" Sketches: Steps* -- Gay Marriage (4) Steps* -- Gay Pride (5) (3 sketches in one show) Smitty (Kevin): gay man from "Steps" ====== Sketches: Steps* -- Gay Marriage (4) Steps* -- Gay Pride (5) (3 sketches in one show) Riley (Dave): gay man from "Steps" ===== Sketches: Steps* -- Gay Marriage (4) Steps* -- Gay Pride (5) (3 sketches in one show) Brett Sudelman (Mark): talent agent ============== Listed as: Sudelmans Sketches: The Agents (3) Sudelmans (4) Brent Sudelman (Scott): talent agent ============== Listed as: Sudelmans Sketches: The Agents (3) Sudelmans (4) Tammy (Bruce): pop star; discovered by Buddy ===== Sketches: Buddy's Bar -- Tammy the Pop Star (3) Tammy -- The Pickle (3) Tammy Video -- Ain't Gonna Spread for No Roses (4) Tanya -- see Cathy & Kathie & Office (C) ===== Mr. Tisane (Kevin): the wimpy tea drinker ========== Sketches: Wimpy Tea Guy (3) Mr. Tisane and the Trial (4) Terrance, Bobby & Family -- see Bobby & Family (B) ======================== Thirty Helens (Not a Kid): a crowd of women named Helen; usually agree with ============= each other Sketches: 30 Helens Agree (in numerous episodes) Torfulson, Rob -- see Armada (A) ============== Truck Owner -- see Bobby's Father (Mr. Terrance) (B) =========== Tucker (Mark): dim-witted goofus, also Chicken Lady's biological father ====== Sketches: The Mouse (3) Pitiful Mechanic (4) Alien Anal Probe (4) Chicken Lady Visits Her Old House (4) Two Clearly Insane People -- see Jerry Sizzler (S) ========================= Mr. Tyzik (Mark): head crusher; crushes people's heads with his fingers ========= Quote: "What's this? A priest! Deity or deities, forgive this abuse of your earth-bound ambassador, but my calling is very specific. I'm creshing your head! I'm creshing your head!" Sketches: I Don't Have Enough Money to Pay for This Cab (1) Businessman Head Crusher (1) Head Crusher Outside Club (1) Head Crusher Duel (2) Head Crusher in Physical Therapy (2) Girls! Girls! Girls! (3) [something in the pilot? (pilot)] Virgil -- see Confidante to the Stars (C) ====== Weston Esterhazy -- see Confidante to the Stars (C) ================ Whores ~~~~~~ Listed as: Whores (unless one appears individually) Maudre (Scott): a whore ====== Sketches: Whores (in numerous episodes) Lady is a Tramp (2) The Whores & Rudy & the High School Diploma (4) Jocelyn (Dave): a whore ======= Sketches: Whores (in numerous episodes) The Whores & Rudy & the High School Diploma (4) Rudy (Kevin): Maudre's and Joselyn's pimp ==== Quote: "OK, let's get the whoring started!" Sketches: Lady is a Tramp (2) The Whores and Rudy (4) The Whores & Rudy & the High School Diploma (4) Whores (in numerous episodes) "Will Do" Guy ~~~~~~~~~~~ Dean (Kevin): the king of empty promises ==== Quote: "Slipped my mind. But I feel awful about it. I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll bring you the movie tomorrow, plus I'll buy you one. Do you have The Godfather?" Lex: "No. So you'd really do that?" Dean: "Will do." Sketches: King of Empty Promises (3) The "Will Do" Guy in Prison (4) Lex (Dave): Dean's pathetic friend === Quote: "I could never survive in prison. I could never... I can't pee in front of other guys." Sketches: King of Empty Promises (3) The "Will Do" Guy in Prison (4) ?White-Haired Criminal? (Bruce): white-haired criminal; took Danny Husk ======================= hostage Sketches: Wanna See a Dead Body? (3) I've Been Kidnapped (2) ------------------------------ Censored Lines [+] ------------------ *** WARNING: This section contains adult language. *** This section of the FAQ contains lines and/or scenes that have been censored from The Kids in the Hall by Comedy Central and/or CBS. Sketch names are from the sketch list in Part 2 of this FAQ. The character and/or Kid that said the line is listed in parentheses. Leslie the Vampire Fag: (Leslie/Mark) "...the occasional blowjob." Leslie the Vampire Fag: (Brad/Scott) "...and then tries to blow me." Leslie the Vampire Fag: (Leslie/Mark) "You come, don't you?" Paranoid Undercover Extraterrestrial: (?/Kevin) "Oh shit!" (at end) Obnoxious Golf Guy: (?/Dave) "I'm just not good at small talk, you prick." F-ing Good Ham: (Bobby/Bruce) "It's really fucking good." F-ing Good Ham: (Bobby/Bruce) "I told my parents to fuck off." F-ing Good Ham: (Bobby/Bruce) "It *was* fucking good ham." Drag Revolution: (Buddy/Scott) "and I'll turn your dick into pate" (quoting drag queen) Two Clearly Insane People: (Jerry Sizzler) "prick" (many places) Not Allowed to Smoke in the Subway (?/Mark): "...I wasn't for chrissakes!" Not Allowed to Smoke in the Subway (?/Mark): "????" Not Allowed to Smoke in the Subway (Tony/Scott): "*You're* up my ass." Life-After-Death Guy (?/Kevin): "...tits in my story..." Blonde Mechanic: (Mechanic/Kevin): "...when your car's fucking ready you're gonna fucking know, OK?" The Real Buddy Holly (Buddy Holly/Kevin): "Get out of my way you fuckin' peasant. You fuckin' piece of shit." The Real Buddy Holly (Buddy Holly/Kevin): "I'm fuckin' Buddy Holly..." The Real Buddy Holly (Buddy Holly/Kevin): "....top of the fucking world..." The Real Buddy Holly (Buddy Holly/Kevin): "...??? get in the bus..." The Real Buddy Holly (Buddy Holly/Kevin): "Let's get fuckin' flying." The Real Buddy Holly (Buddy Holly/Kevin): "You fuckin' La Bamba spic." The Friendly Couples (?/Scott): "I want you in me." Trucker Businessman (?/Mark): "...god damn..." (many places) Gimmel-100 Salesmen (?/Bruce): "...one fucking sale." Open Letter to Wheel Stealer (Bruce): "...some sort of prick?" Sick of the Swiss (Ed/Scott): "Move over America, there's a new asshole on the map." Darryl the Waiter ("hearing impaired friend"/-): [flips off Darryl] Salty Ham (Gordon/Bruce): "...goddamned bastard brine." Wedding Reception (part 2) (?/Kevin): "...sustained flirtation. [crowd reacts] We'd get really close, and we'd almost get there [moves finger toward "o" made with other hand], but then she said 'I don't want a relationship.' Who wants a relationship? [penetrates hand with finger] And then when I look the other way, she met another finger [holds up middle finger]. Fine. Now she's marrying that finger. Fine. But hey, I'm a reasonable man and I will allow this celebration of love to continue, but under one condition..." The Agents (Brent/Scott): "I'm in your fucking DNA!" The Agents (Brent/Scott): "No, you fucking love it!" Charged with Being an Asshole (Bruce): "...were you ever fucked over by the accused?" Charged with Being an Asshole (Woman): "An asshole." Guy that Wants to Get Beat Up (?/Dave): "asshole" Guy that Wants to Get Beat Up (?/Mark): "asshole" One Clearly Insane Person (Jerry/Kevin): "Oh shit!" Her "God" Spot (?/Kevin & Mark): "fucking morons" (instead of "complete and total morons") Bearded Lady Marries (Bearded Lady/Kevin): "...this goddamned dress." Theo the Teacher (Steven/Kevin): "...please don't scream 'bullshit' at me." Theo the Teacher (Steven/Kevin): "This is bullshit, Theo." Mississippi Gary Life After Death Song (Gary/Mark): "Can't get laid without a ho'" [unconfirmed] Obfuscator Boyfriend (Bruce): "Fuck!" [at end] Why Did They Have to Take the Word "Gay"? (Mark): "cunnilingus" [twice] Sid & Sharisse and the Pizza Guy: Sharisse (M) says: "Yeah, you stupid fuck!" Pizza Guy (K) says: "Oh, shit!" In the Whores and Rudy sketch, his full name is given as Rudy Crud. There is a censor in the Detective Peter Prince sketch. The women (forgot her name) (K) says: "The only thing you're good for is fucking" Whores & Rudy & the High School Diploma (Scott/Maudre): "...we'll beat the shit out of you." Having Your Period?: Scott: Arlene, with the big tits. Mark: I wish my girlfriend had tits like that. Bruce: I wish *I* had tits like that. Apollo the Rude (Tony/Kevin, Apollo/Mark): "Asshole" The Doors (salesman/Bruce): "Jim fucking Morrison told me!" More to Come! From kurts@infinet.com (Kurt Schroeder): HBO showed an episode that had the Dr. Suess Bible in it. There was a sketch called "Fuck the Bank" that you never see on Comedy Central and on CBC it was done as "Screw the Bank". >From Tom Walsh: In Spy Models, Mark (as the general) uses hijo de puta, Spanish for SOB. It made it past the censors. Also, in One Clearly Insane Person, "prick" makes it past the censors several times. -- Who contributed to this FAQ? Many people have graciously contributed to this FAQ. Please see the complete list in Part 1 of this FAQ. If you have any information, additions, corrections, comments, submissions, suggestions, requests, ideas, or complaints about this FAQ please send email to the FAQ maintainer davidson@mercury.interpath.net (Drew Davidson). ------------------------------ Copyright Information Copyright 1994-1995 Andrew B. Davidson and the individual contributors listed in Part 1 of this FAQ. Distribution PROHIBITED except under the terms listed in Part 1 of this FAQ. ------------------------------ End of alt.tv.kids-in-hall FAQ Part 3/3 ***************************************