Memorable Mandy Moments/Great Geigerisms
                           Episode 2.7
                        From Soup to Nuts

Austin rushes to Geiger's office:

KA:  Geiger!  [bangs on the door]  Geiger!  I know you're in there. 
     Your car's half parked in *my* space.  Geiger!  [AS comes out
     of his office.]  Is it so much to ask for him to keep his
     expensive German rolling stock on his side of the white line? 
     Is that too much to ask?
AS:  He's on rounds.
KA:  What?
AS:  Jeffrey.  He's... he's on rounds.
KA:  Oh.  [bangs once on the door]  Damn!  [She starts to leave.]
AS:  Salvatori's?
KA:  Excuse me?
AS:  Dinner tonight, remember?  Uh, northern Italian.
KA:  Right... um... yeah... well, we'll see.  [She leaves and
     Geiger peaks out from his office.]
JG:  Thank you.
AS:  You're welcome.
JG:  Explain to me Salvatori's.  Aaron, you can't be serious. 
     You're actually taking Austin on a date?  [AS enters his
     office and closes the door.]  Aaron... Aaron.  [bangs on the
     door]  I know you're in there.

At the nurses' station, watching the state Senate hearings on TV. 
Senator Thomason is grilling Watters and Birch:

JG:  Anything good?
DH:  Phillip's speaking. ...
JG:  Don't let him get to you. ...
ST:  And how about Dr. Geiger?
JG:  What?  What about Dr. Geiger?
ST:  This Dr. Geiger puts baboon hearts into humans and he tests
     artificial gizmos on dead people.  Who... who is this ghoul Geiger?
JG:  You big, fat, stupid, son of a bitch.  [He marks up the
     monitor with a magic marker, putting horns and beard on the
     Senator's image on TV.]
CS:  Jeffrey, Laurie called.  She said it's an emergency.
JG:  [as he rushes out]  Tell Phillip I'll pay for the TV.

At the institution, Geiger finds Laurie sitting with Gilbert Weeks
and rushes over to them:

JG:  What's the emergency?
LG:  I didn't say emergency.  I said urgency.  Hi!
JG:  Camille told me... Hi.  [He kisses her.]  Never mind.  What is it?
LG:  Gilbert and I are getting married.
JG:  Well, I know this, Laurie.
LG:  Today!  We found a minister here that we love and he was just
     committed last night, but he's being transferred to another
     facility tonight and I... we want him to perform the ceremony.
JG:  I beg your pardon.
GW:  H-H-He's going to minimum security.  We're working with a very
     short window.
LG:  Reverend!  Um... this is my ex-husband Jeffrey Geiger,
     Jeffrey... [They shake hands.]
EP:  Eva Peron.
JG:  I beg your pardon.
GW:  [to EP]  Excuse us.  [He pulls JG off to the side.]
     He thinks he's Eva Peron, but he's not really.
JG:  Thank you, Gilbert.
GW:  His lawyer's trying to quash the transfer, but we don't want
     to take any chances.
LG:  I want you to give me away and I'd also like Aaron and Camille
     to be here.
JG:  Laurie, Gilbert, you want to be married by a man who thinks
     he's a dead Argentinean, well-connected hooker--
GW:  No no no no.  He's really not Eva Peron.
JG:  Thanks again.  [EP looks at JG.]  What?
EP:  Do I know you?  I'm sure I know you.
JG:  [taking GW and LG off to the side]  Gilbert, Laurie, I'm
     trying to afford you both considerable latitude on account of
     uh... you know, you being wacko, but... but aside from uh...
     winning inmate of the month, this little adventure isn't gonna
     help you in any way.
GW:  He really is a minister.  He really personifies our spirit. 
     We want him to perform the ceremony.  [EP walks up to them again.]
JG:  Even so--  [to EP]  Could you give me just a little more
     distance, Eva?
EP:  I know you.  I do.
LG:  Jeffrey, come here.  [to EP]  Hang on a sec.
     Um... this... this is really important to me.
JG:  So is the rubber wallpaper, but on this I gotta... I gotta explain--
LG:  [in a calm voice]  I know it sounds crazy, but we want this
     man to marry us.  He's only here for a day and since we are
     confined to this hell hole, I think we should feel licensed to
     do crazy things.  Please, please give me away.
EP:  I think the ceremony should include a hymn, hmmm?

Geiger enters Laurie's room.  She is looking in the mirror with her
wedding dress against her:

JG:  Hey!
LG:  Hey, what a surprise!
JG:  [looking at her dress]  Well!
LG:  Look at my dress, honey.  What do you think?  Isn't it
     fabulous?  Did you know that?
JG:  [looking at her in the mirror]  Honey.  That you want to marry
     Gilbert, this is fine.  That he's mentally challenged, even on
     a good day, I can accept this.
LG:  OK, the Reverend's a little kooky.  Doesn't bother me.  Why
     should it bother you?
JG:  Sweetheart, what are your treating doctors gonna say, you
     being married to a fellow coo-coo bird by a guy who thinks
     he's Eva Peron.  This is not progress.
LG   I don't care what they say.
JG:  Well, you have to care.  These people are in control of your
     future.  You don't want to get out of this academy?
LG:  No.
JG:  I-I'm sorry.  No?
LG:  No.  I like it here, Jeffrey.
JG:  What about the clozapine?  You were so excited.  [He sits on
     the bed.]  You said yourself it was working.  You don't want
     to get better?
LG:  No.  You like the dress or not?
JG:  You don't want to get better?
LG:  I drowned my son in a bathtub.  You think I want to be healed? 
     Maybe I need to be insane, OK?  Maybe I need it-- for me.
JG:  Well, I don't get this, I truly--
LG:  Of coarse you're not getting it.  Try having dreams every
     night seeing your hands wrapped around your little boy's
     throat.  How could anybody get it?
JG:  What-Whatever stuff is going on here, this doesn't feel like
     a wedding day.
LG:  Well, this is me... everyday.  Being insane.  It's the only
     thing I take comfort in.  I'm not asking for you to understand
     it.  I'm just asking for you to except it.  [Looking in the
     mirror.]  I just want to wear this dress and be beautiful
     today and start the rest of my life.
JG:  OK.
LG:  You should be happy for me.
JG:  I am, honey.  I am happy.  [He kisses her and they hug.]

Geiger, Shutt and Camille are walking down the hall in the hospital:

JG:  She really wants you two there.
CS:  Eva Peron is going to be performing the ceremony?
JG:  Look, I don't think Laurie's ever gonna get better.  I should
     say "functional" in our world, but-- I-I'm convinced this will
     make her happy and it will make her life richer in that place.
AS:  And the ceremony is at... at the institution?
JG:  Yeah.
CS:  Is there going to be security?  [JG just looks at her.]  I'm sorry.
AS:  We'll be there.  [CS gives him a glare.]  *I'll* be there.
CS:  I'll be there too.
JG:  Thank you.  [He turns to leave and faces them again.]  I uh...
     thank you.

At the institution, they are waiting for the Laurie to begin the ceremony:

JG:  She promised it would be over by eight.  [EP comes over to JG.]
     Please stop staring at me.
EP:  I know who you are.  I won't tell.
JG:  I appreciate it.
EP:  Not much to ask for.

The ceremony begins as Laurie walks down the aisle.  Weeks smiles
and Geiger stares at her in wonder:

LG:  With this ring I thee wed.  [JG looks sadly on as GW and LG
     hold hands.]
EP:  Is there anybody here who can give reason why Laurie and
     Gilbert should not be joined in holy matrimony, [AS and CS
     both look at JG] let him speak now or forever hold his penis. 
     Peace... forever hold his peace. 
     By the power vested in me as uh... [JG smiles as LG mouths
     "hi" to him.]  I now pronounce you husband and wife.  Kiss
     her.  [They kiss.]  And now for the ceremonial hymn. 
     Everybody will find their part on the back of the service
     sheets.  Everybody don't forget to pick up your cue now.
Everybody:
     Don't cry for me Argentina / The truth is I never left you /
     All through my wild days / My mad existence / I kept my
     promise / Don't keep your distance.
LG:  [<-- or should it be LW now :-)]
     And as for fortune, and as for fame / I never invited them in
GW:  Though it seemed to the world they were all I desired.
JG:  They are illusions / They are not the solutions they promised
     to be / The answer was here all the time / I love you and hope
     you love me.
Everybody:
     Don't cry for me Argentina / The truth is I never left you /
     All through my wild days / My mad existence / I kept my
     promise / Don't keep your distance.

Getting off the elevator in the hospital, they meet Birch:

AS:  Goodnight Alan.
AB:  Goodnight everyone.
JG:  I'd like the Eel's job, wouldn't you?  Push a few pencils,
     shuffle some papers.  How tough could it be?  Sue a few
     people, listen to a lot of hooey, spend your life at lunch.

Geiger is entering Shutt's office as Austin is leaving:

JG:  Bad idea leading with your ass like that.
KA:  Bye.
JG:  Thought you two had a date?  Don't you have a date?
AS:  Close the door.
     I've been running it over in my mind, I mean... who am I
     fooling?  Austin's got a-a kid,  an ex who's giving her grief. 
     [sits down on the couch]  I'm not sure I'm ready.  I-I-I don't
     think it's such a good idea.
JG:  I would have thought Austin's abrasive nature and big brass
     clappers would have been enough to keep you away.  [JG sits
     down in the chair.  Both men look exhausted.]  
AS:  It was a nice wedding though, wasn't it?
JG:  [LOL]  She's a beautiful bride.  My nutso Laurie.
AS:  You feel like getting some dinner?
JG:  Sure.  Wanna have a drink first?
AS:  Bottle's in the desk.  So are the glasses.
JG:  I'm too tired to get up.
AS:  Me too.
JG:  Is it OK to sit here awhile?
AS:  Fine.  [AS puts his feet up on the table and they sit in silence.]