Great Geigerisms 2.3
Brought to you by Sue #2
Memorable Mandy Moments/Great Geigerisms
A Coupla Stiffs
Geiger is checking Watters' weight in an examination room:
JG: Isn't this kinda silly?
PW: Insurance requires a complete physical before getting in the ring.
JG: Someone's actually willing to insure this event? Go figure.
Me? I have to beg for malpractice coverage at six figures a year.
PW: When I tell you it's a fund raiser, we'll be wearing head gear
and 14 oz. gloves, powder puff stuff, nobody's getting hurt.
JG: [re PW's weight] 182 and a smidge, but who's counting.
PW: I am. That can't be right. I'm counting. Can't be right.
JG: Quit whining Mary and drop 'em. [He puts on gloves.]
PW: Now come on, that won't be necessary.
JG: You said yourself, insurance requires a complete physical and
that's what I'm gonna give. Top to bottom, service with a smile.
PW: Just sign the form, Jeffrey.
JG: Can't believe what you're asking. Want me to lie? Violate
the Hippocratic Oath? I'm afraid I can't do that. I won't sign.
PW: If Morton Shedley wasn't busy, you'd be the last person I'd
ask to do this.
JG: You're breaking my heart. Come on get 'em down. [PW pulls
down his pants and underwear.] Smile. [JG takes a picture.]
PW: Give me that.
JG: You can get dressed now. [JG passes him and starts to exit.]
PW: Hey now, now that violates the Hippocratic Oath. Jeffrey! [JG
walks down the hall laughing.] Jeffrey! Jeffrey!
Geiger meets Shutt and Camille in the hall:
JG: Hey Aaron. Take a look at this, you gotta see. [Camille
leaves. He shows AS the picture of PW.] Snapped it myself.
Hey, how you doing, Camille? [re picture] Nice composition,
don't you think? 'Coarse, you know, I had to shoot and scoot.
AS: What is it, like an aerial shot?
Geiger comes into the ER after being asked by Hancock and Nyland
for a consult:
JG: OK, I'm all ears. Make it quick. I told Phillip I'd make it
to this massacre. [Austin comes in.]
KA: OK, if we could make this fast, I don't want to miss the first round.
JG: C'mon, what are you doing?
KA: I was called for a consult.
JG: Well, I was called for a consult.
KA: Hey, run with it. Bye boys.
JG: [?] getting a big kink in here, huh? ...
[The patient, Mr. Chin, only speaks Chinese.]
DN: Now what?
JG: [after looking at his chart] It's up to you. Patient
seems fine to me. [Tosses chart on bed and starts to leave.]
DH: Jeffrey, hold on a minute.
JG: Why? Two weeks ago you pooh-poohed my giving digoxin to one
of your patients. You said I was being reckless. You called
me an ass. 'Coarse, I saved her life but... but it doesn't
matter, right? Just want to know where we stand Dennis.
DH: I need your opinion. I need you to look over Mr. Chin's EKG.
JG: That's not a problem. [They return to the patient.]
DH: See if anyone around here can interpret.
DN: Chinese? There's like a thousand different dialects.
DH: Get the yellow pages out. Call a Chinese restaurant.
JG: If that's what you're doing order some Moo Shu. If I'm
stickin' around, I'm not missin' dinner.
They find an interpreter:
In: He says he arrived alone in the United States a few months ago from [?]
JG: [mouth full of food] Fascinating. Doesn't change the fact
that the man needs a pacing wire.
In: OK, he wants the herbs from his apartment.
DH: Herbs? What for?
In: He says for wind in the channels.
DN: Flatulents? Must lose something in the translation.
JG: Not necessarily. Mr. Chin had severe diarrhea. That accounts
for his extremely low potassium. Probably wants the herbs to
settle his stomach ... and that aside-- let's get him upstairs
and let's put in the pacing wire, huh?
DH: Ask Mr. Chin what these herbs do.
In: He just keeps saying "wind in the channels."
JG: Farting. We're back with the farting. I mean, what are we
talking about here? We're goin' in circles, Dennis. What do
you want to do?
DH: I want to run another blood panel.
JG: Fine, whatever. I'll be in my office when you come to your
senses ... [to interpreter] And you know, there's too much
plum sauce. Next time don't forget the fortune cookies, all right?
Geiger's in his office dictating a case report into tape recorder:
JG: Patient was discharged with the understanding... [cleaning
lady knocks on the door.] Yeah yeah yeah, come in.
Patient was discharged with the understanding he would pursue
a vigorous coarse of exercise 6 to 8 weeks. [Hancock enters.]
JG: It's about time you came to your senses. Let's put in Mr.
Chin's pacing wire.
DH: Hang on a sec.
JG: Hang on? What's to hang on? Let's do this already!
DH: I'm waiting. Blood panel hasn't come in from the lab.
JG: [singing to the tune of Howdy Doody.] Do do do do do do.
Name that tune. Eeeaaahhhh. You lose. Get outta here. What
am I wasting my time for, huh?
DH: Mr. Chin's potassium levels.
JG: It's Howdy Doody time.
DH: One minute they're up, next minute they're down.
JG: It's Howdy Doody time. I loved that show. Buffalo Bob,
Princess Winter Spring Summer Fall, Clarabell. It's a day
just like any other. Ma's in the kitchen; she's makin'
dinner. I can tell 'cause somethin's burnin'. But I don't
care. Why? 'Cause it's Howdy Doody time. I turn on the TV.
I set myself down and I wait. TV never comes on. "MA!" I
scream. "We need Mr. Wence." Television repairman, lives
across the hall. Ma's busy burnin' dinner, so I run across
the hall myself. Knock knock knock. I'm in luck-- he's in!
Mr. Wence is busy, but I'm persistent, so he comes over.
Turns the television on, he turns it off. Checks to see if
the plug is in. "Do somethin', it's Howdy Doody time." He
turns the television on, he turns off again. "Mr. Wence Mr.
Wence Mr. Wence." It's too late. I missed the show. Why?
Because he... didn't... do... anything. He called himself a
TV repairman but... nothin'. That's you, Dennis. You are Mr.
Wence. You wait for Chin long enough, what's gonna happen?
DH: I miss Howdy Doody?
JG: I'm sure [Flubadub's?] double parked. Go on, get out of here.
[DH leaves as JG sits and continues to dictate.]
I told the patient on April 7 to stop smoking... [Cleaning
lady starts to leave.] I love that show. Have a nice night.
[Goes back to dictating] ... told the patient on April 7 stop
smoking, August 8 he comes in...
Geiger and Nyland are putting in Mr. Chin's pacing wire. Geiger is
singing "I'm Gonna Wait 'Til the Midnight Hour.":
JG: Long time since you and me worked together. Can't say I much miss it.
DN: I was thinking the same thing.
JG: [belches] Moo Shu is not sitting pretty. Not at all.
DN: What's the matter-- a little wind in the channel?
JG: Don't accelerate too fast.
DN: It's a shame you can't do every job in the OR.
JG: It is, isn't it? Still... I keep trying. ...
[JG belches again.]
DN: Anything else before we finish? Bromoseltzer?
Hancock thinks he knows what is wrong with Mr. Chin:
DH: The herbs weren't the problem, might've even helped. Wind in
the channels means anything from tremors to paralysis.
DN: Why the drastic fluctuation in his potassium levels?
DH: If I'm right, he's hypokalemic with periodic paralysis.
Genetic disorder found mostly in people of Chinese and
JG: *If* you're right?
DH: I want Mr. Chin to take 40 MEQs potassium, then take him off
the cardiac pacing.
JG: Dennis ... if you're wrong, this could kill him.
DH: There's no other way to find out. That's why you're here, in
case he codes.
JG: I'm glad you had time for the [Burlitz?] coarse. How do you
know there isn't another cause for the paralysis?
DH: 'Cause I listened to my patient and didn't rushed in like a TV
repairman trying to adjust the vertical hold.
DN: Have a crash cart standing by.
DH: Turn down the pacer.
JG: I won't be a part of this.
DN: Taking him down ...
His heart's not capturing, Dennis.
DH: Keep going.
JG: I don't like this.
DH: You can do it, Mr. Chin. ... [pulse 58]
JG: He's crashing. [rushes over to MC and rips his gown off; gets
ready to shock him with the cardiac paddles] Dennis.
JG: Come on! [MC's heart captures after lowering down to 53, and
pulse starts to climb. JG has a look of disbelief.]
Geiger, Hancock and Nyland are walking down the hall:
JG: I'll remove the pacing wire this afternoon. Good call,
Dennis. [He leaves.]
DN: "Good call, Dennis." Geiger loves throwing roses.
Geiger is coming off the elevator as Hancock is getting on:
JG: Hey, just coming back to see you. [They both get on the elevator.]
DH: Ah, Jeffrey. I'm too tired, really.
JG: You know, somewhere along the way, you and I hit a bump in
the road. I mean, not a major bump, 'cause... can't remember
what it would've been, but a bump nevertheless.
JG: Just hear me out. I know there's a natural distrust between
surgeons and internists. I mean, God only knows what that
would be. It's not really a chicken-egg thing. It's more
like a chicken-fox-grain thing. You know, the rowboat dilemma
about trust, crossing the river and all that. [DH gets off
the elevator.] So, what? Feeling like grabbin' a cup of
coffee sometime. I could explain more.
DH: That an apology?
JG: I didn't hear an apology. Simple cup of coffee is all I'm
talking about. Only not right now 'cause I'm leaving. Just
a short trip, Banff, Canada. Beautiful in the fall. Last
moment kind of thing. See those colors. [Elevator doors
close but JG continues, yelling ...] Can you hear me? I'll press you
some leaves. [See you on Friday?] See you later.
Go to all the Geigerisms
Back to the Chicago Hope Homepage
Back to Steen's Homepage