Great Geigerisms 1.21
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Memorable Mandy Moments/Great Geigerisms
Aaron Shutt walks into Jeffrey Geiger's office:
AS: Jeffrey? Michael's got his rhythm back, I've got tickets, and
we are on the floor! [He sees JG sitting on the floor,
surrounded by train tracks.] ... What the hell is this?
JG: Train set. I like trains. This isn't new.
AS: Can I ask a stupid question?
JG: What's a North Shore Chessie doin' haulin' a LeHigh Valley, I
know. I just wanted to see how it looked, I'm not leavin' it
like that, that'd be crazy.
AS: No. My question is, how do you bring patient in here and
gently inform him he has congestive heart failure with a steam
locomotive chugging through his legs? [Alan Birch enters.]
JG: We're busy!
JG: We're busy!
AB: [fascinated] Oh! It's an old gauge trainmaster! Oh my God,
it can't be the-the 23-21. Oh, my God it is!
JG: You know these trains?
AB: Do I know 'em? Lackawanna-Fairbanks-Morse. Where did you get this?
JG: And it's mint.
AB: The maroon roof. I know! It's a classic!
JG: Check out the Western-Pacific ... That's the 64 car. That's the 64-64.
AB: The orange car, even better! I got the [Aquarian?] car with the
JG: You like trains, Alan?
JG: You like Lionel Steamers? This is the first time I'm hearin' this.
AB: You've got the whole '54 set here. Jeffrey, may I?
JG: Hee hee hee hee. Alan, it would be my honor. [JG hands AB
AB: Oh boy!
JG: Now, not too fast. [JG gets up and stands beside AS.]
JG: [Grinning ear to ear.] You believe that?
AS: I'm ... stunned. [Geri Infante enters the office.]
GI: Jeffrey-- [Sees AB on the floor giggling with the trains.]
Oh, of course! Why am I surprised?
AB: Heh heh heh heh!
GI: [to JG] Can I have a minute?
JG: [Grabs AS's arm.] Actually, Aaron needs me at the moment, he needs me.
GI: [Eyes his hand.] Why are you grabbing him?
JG: I'm not grabbing him, he came in here for a consult. It's
urgent. Tell her, I'm not grabbin'.
AS: Um ... this is a clutch.
GI: You say you wanna make a go of this. You say you wanna try.
You and me.
JG: Geri! Aaron's here.
GI: Yes, because you won't let him go. [to AS] You're his best
friend. Does he ever get intimate with you?
AS: Uh, this is about it.
GI: [to JG] You know, I have accepted all your lunacy. I have
bought into the whole baggage, but every time we get close to
some kind of consummation, you lay down another track in here!
[to AS] Let me ask you: is he ever going to sleep with me?
AS: Oh, I'm ... sure he will.
GI: Jeffrey, I am at the end. We're both grown ups. I want to
have an adult relationship. I really, really do. If that
means no sex, it's OK. It's fine. But I need to feel like
we're together. I can't keep killing my patients just to
squeeze a little ... tenderness out of you. We are adults.
AB: [in the background] Heh heh heh heh heh ... Where is this?
Oh, track one.
GI: [looks over at AB] Maybe not. [She leaves.]
JG: I don't know about her, Aaron. Seems crazy.
AS: Yeah. Uh, can I have my arm back now, please?
[JG lets go and AS leaves. JG turns back to AB.]
JG: Press one. Hit the one. There you go. Hit Track 3. Track
... hit it. [Train whistle blows.] Yeeeaaahhhhhh!
"Signed, Sealed, Delivered" is playing in the OR as Geiger finishes
up a procedure:
JG: Suction once, suction twice. Clamp once, clamp twice. Move
'em up. Another bypass, another survivah. When do I get to
go on 'Nova'?
[Spotting Infante in the scrub room, dashes out to speak with
her, ripping off his mask, gloves, etc.] Hey, Geri. I got it
figured out. I got it figured out.
GI: Tell it to me later. I'm face lifting a nun in 3 minutes.
JG: A nun? Cosmetic surgery?
GI: She won it at a church raffle. She's all prepped. I've gotta go.
JG: All right, lemme--lemme say this fast, which is good, 'cause
it sounds less crazy when it's clipped. My intimacy problem
still has to do with the fidelity issue with Laurie, which as
you correctly point out, I should no longer have, but I do,
which is nuts, which goes to my insanity which you willingly
signed up for when you chose to get intimate, taken it was
something I was capable of. Are you with me?
GI: Not even close.
JG: All right, here's the deal. I feel I could get by this if I
had Laurie's blessing, which again, I know is ridiculous, but
that's the thing about feelings, they can't always be
legislated by common sense.
GI: Uh huh.
JG: Getting Laurie's blessing wouldn't be a problem. She would
love to think that I was happy, I know this. So much so I
really shouldn't need the blessing at all, that goes without
saying. But I want it nonetheless, which again is evidence of
the insanity *you* found so endearing.
GI: Jeffrey? Sweetie? Honeybunch? I have an unconscious nun
waiting for a new chin.
JG: I want us to have dinner with Laurie. She'll love you, she'll
love us. So much so ... I'll become unblocked.
GI: You want me to have dinner with your ex-wife?
JG: Tonight. I already spoke to her. They'll--they'll let her
out of the academy as long as she has security with her. I
got the back room at Delphini's. Just pasta. She's not
dangerous with soft food.
GI: I think it might be better if you just ... play with your trains.
JG: You two will love each other. It'll be great! [He kisses her
over her mask and runs out of the room.] And don't rush your scrubs!
Shutt is in Geiger's office, Birch is still playing with the trains:
AS: I--I have Bulls tickets, all right? The game starts in--
JG: Do I ask you for much? I think I don't. Do I ask ya for
much? Do I? Why do I have to ask questions three times just
to get a simple answer, Aaron? Do I ask ya for much? There,
four times! I, uh, I can't speak.
AB: [Train whistle blows.] Fabulous! Hahahahahahaha!
JG: [AS grabs JG and propels him into his own office, flinging him
down onto a chair.]
AS: You are my best friend in life. You know this. You need
professional help. It is not normal for you to need me to
referee a dinner between your ex-wife and your girlfriend. It
is certainly not normal for you to need Laurie's blessing in
order to achieve intimacy with...
JG: Want to start applying norms, Aaron? Show me the chapter that
describes the things that have gone on in my life.
AS: The fact that you have suffered the things you've suffered is
why you need to talk to someone.
JG: I already know what's going on with me. I don't need to see
a shrink. I know exactly what's going on.
AS: You do?
JG: My relationship with Laurie. It's like parent-child. It has
been ever since well...
AS: I know.
JG: Six years I protected her. It doesn't just stop. I still
worry about her. The fact that she left me, that doesn't mean
she wouldn't be hurt by my being with Geri. I know this. Of
coarse I'm entitled to be with somebody else. That's not what
this is about. I don't want to hurt Laurie. I will not hurt her.
AS: You are really something. So you go out to dinner all
together and you see that Laurie is OK with you and Geri and
that allows you to be OK about it?
AS: And you need me there because...?
JG: First, because Laurie loves you and Camille. She sees you two
supporting my relationship with Geri, she becomes more
inclined to. And second, I need you. I think uh... You
know, I really want this to work with Geri. She makes me
happy. But I uh... I'm not sure I won't screw it up. If I
just get by this with Laurie. I uh... I know it's crazy. I
could just use you by my side.
AS: Then I'll be there. I'll be there.
Geiger, Shutt and Camille are waiting at the restaurant. Geiger
JG: What time is it?
AS: It's, uh...
JG: There she is. [Laurie, and Dr. Joseph enter. They exchange
greetings and hugs.] This is Geri. [LG smiles warmly and
shakes GI's hand enthusiastically.]
JG: [babbling] Infante, Laurie. Laurie, Geri. Geri, Laurie.
GI: [smiles back.] Hi, I've heard so much about you!
JG: We can all sit. Actually, we don't have to. We have the
whole room, so for cocktails we can stand. They can't make us
sit. [They all laugh. Gilbert Weeks enters, with a security guard.]
GW: Laurie! They let me drive!
LG: Oh, honey, you remember Gilbert.
JG: [weakly] Yes, I'm, uh, so thrilled you could make it.
GW: Check out the tone? The truth is not in the words, it's in the tone.
AS: Uh, Aaron Shutt. This is my wife, Camille.
GW: A pleasure. You must be the mediators.
LG: [to GI] So, do you and Jeffrey plan to marry?
JG: Somebody get a damn drink order? How do you get a drink?
GI: [struggling] Uh--oh--uh-w-w--uh, no.
LG: We used to be married.
GI: Yes! I know, for eleven years.
LG: Yeah, we had a son, but I drowned him.
LG: Dr. Joseph said that she probably knows. But I just wanted to be up
front. I hate not knowing what other people know, makes me vasovagal.
GI: Me too.
JG: Let's sit.
GW: The tone.
LG: I'm starved!
JG: It's not right that he's here.
GI: Uh, honey, relax.
JG: I'm relaxed.
LG: She called him honey.
GW: And sweetly.
AS: OK, everybody, everybody. We're gonna have a nice, nice
dinner, OK, so, let's just take our seats, and uh, security can
stay on the perimeter, and we're gonna have a ... great evening.
OK? [Everyone sits, with Laurie between Jeffrey and Camille.]
AS: [Realizes that Gilbert wants to sit next to Laurie.] Oh!
Gilbert! [The Shutts move down one space. Dr. Joseph and the
two security guards stand behind the group.]
JG: Yes. Excellent. We're sitting. Excellent.
Later, Geiger mops his face and neck with his napkin:
LG: Why are you sweating?
JG: I'm not sweating, I'm perspiring. There's a difference,
honey. And the reason I'm perspiring is because I'm very
nervous. We're effectively on a double date. You're with
another man, I'm with another woman. It's a very odd thing.
GW: [re the Shutts] Why are they here?
JG: Gilbert, I ordered you some peanuts and cracker jacks.
Perhaps you could anticipate them in silence. [GW glances at
AS with mouth agape.]
AS: [understandingly] The tone.
JG: The purpose of this dinner, as you know, would be for ...
well, for you and me to get comfortable. With us being
together, yet apart. Does that make any sense?
GW: I need to urinate. [JG gives him a look.] That wasn't a
commentary, I, uh, I really do need to--
LG: Um, Gilbert has a bashful bladder. He can't go in public
places, so we've towed portable facilities. Did you valet, honey?
GW: No, uh, we're, uh, we're in the lot. I'll be right back.
DJ: Come *right* back, Gilbert.
LG: So, tell me about you two. Try not to sweat.
JG: So then our first real date date was to go see Ben E. King.
LG: Oh, he loves Ben E. King!
GI: I know.
LG: Oh, God, his dream in med school was to take out one of Ben E.
King's lungs. Wasn't it, sweetie?
JG: That's not actually true, honey. I said this once--
LG: Oh, he loves the song "Up On the Roof."
JG: --I'd like to take a peek at his lungs. It was a comment
on his singing. A marvel at his lung capacity.
LG: That was the Drifters. Ben E. King used to be with the
Drifters. But I'm not sure that he sang "Up On the
Roof." Remember that song, honey? "Up on the Roof"?
JG: I remember it.
LG: Oh, God. We would play it, and we would sing, "Up on the
roof..." and then I would want to go up on a roof, but Jeffrey
wouldn't let me because he was afraid that I would jump off.
So-- What did we used to do? Wait, wait... [singing] When
this old world starts gettin' me down--
GI: [to JG] We danced to that one, didn't we?
LG: --and people are just too-- [Breaks off abruptly.] What
do you mean you danced?
JG: [to no one in particular] Can we get menus?
LG: Forget the menus! You *danced*? You danced *together*?
GI: [confused] Uh ... uh ... yes. [JG nonchalantly pulls the
silverware away from LG.] Oh, but I don't think it was to "Up
on the Roof." Come to think of it ...
LG: [to JG] You never danced with me. *Ever*. I *love* to
dance. I begged you to dance and you would always say, "I
don't dance, I'm not a dancer." So are you a dancer, Jeffrey?
Are you a dancer now?
CS: I wonder if they have cous-cous here?
LG: Oh, shut up, Camille! You're just here as an icebreaker. To
make it more comfortable. The ice is broken, we don't need
you anymore. You can go.
CS: [smiles and gets up] Excellent.
AS: Camille. Camille. [She sits back down, and they all stare at
each other uncomfortably.]
JG: [yelling] How dare you? To be rude to her like that? To be
rude to me?
LG: [also yelling] How dare you lie to me for eleven years?
JG: What? About dancing? Wow, big lie. Guess what, maybe I do
hate dancing. Maybe I just pretended to like it with her,
'cause that's what first dates are all about. Pretending and
lying. I danced with you in the beginning. You forgotten that?
GI: [Puts a hand on his shoulder.] Jeffrey ...
JG: [Calms down.] OK. Laurie. Honey. I am not here tonight to
fight with you.
LG: [sarcastically] No. You're here to protect me. You're here
as the ever-loving watchdog, taking care to make sure I'm not
hurt by Cleopatra over here. You're the parent, I'm the
child. Isn't that what he told you? We have a parent-child
JG: [stunned] What? Wh--? What did she say?
AS: I believe it was ... "Ha."
LG: Here's the joke. [JG gets up from the table.] We are
parent-child. We always were. Only you are the child,
Jeffrey. You always wanted me to be your mother.
DJ: You don't need to get up.
JG: [to DJ] Shut up! [to LG] I never wanted you to be my
mother. My mother was enough--
LG: You've never let me be your wife. You tried to make me
JG: I certainly didn't need--
LG: You never--
JG: Dinner's over. Let's get out of here. [JG grabs GI's arm.]
LG: [to GI] Is that what he likes in you? Are you maternal with him?
JG: [Leaves GI and wheels back toward LG; takes a mock swing at
her; seething.] You don't know anything.
AS: Hey, hey, Jeffrey.
JG: [into LG's face] You live your life in a rubber room.
Mating with a guy who valet-parks U-Haul toilets. Why should
anybody here listen to anything you have to say? You're just
giddy to be outta your jacket.
DJ: That was less than constructive.
JG: Well, she shouldn't be talkin' about ... things she doesn't
know about. [to LG] You shouldn't be talkin' about ... *that*.
LG: [tearfully] Honey, you are here tonight not because you're worried
about my feelings. You are here bringing your date before me,
your mother figure. You want the approval that you never had.
JG: Dinner's over. We're getting out of here.
LG: Jeffrey. Jeffrey.
JG: [hisses] What? Just be quiet, you don't know anything.
[Turns to Laurie; whispers.]
And you ... don't ... know ... anything. [He leaves, brushing
past Gilbert as he arrives with a proud smile.]
GW: I peed without incident!
At Russo's, a frenzied Geiger is singing "Rockabye Your Baby" as
the Shutts, Geri, Laurie and Dr. Joseph enter:
LG: See, I told you.
AS: You mean, he--he just comes in here and does this?
LG: Mm-hmm. When he's tortured.
DJ: He's very good.
Infante, then Shutt, attempt to get him to come off the stage.
He ignores them, continuing to sing, growing more and more
frenzied. He ends the song and bows his head with an anguished
grimace, eyes squeezed tightly shut. There is a pause, and one man
at the bar claps.
The Huron van pulls up to the door on the fourth floor of the
parking garage. Geiger gets out without a word and runs for the building.
Birch is still sitting on the floor of Geiger's office, playing
with the trains, when Geiger tears into the office:
JG: I told you not to touch the [Port hole?] caboose, you son of a bitch!
You got them mixed up with the turbines and the [Long Jump?]
What are you, some kinda psychotic nut?
JG: Put down the Sunoco.
AB: OK, OK. I thought you said I could-- Jeffrey, is everything
JG: Just get out! [AB leaves.]
Shutt goes in and watches Geiger pacing pantless, fretfully biting
his fingernails, watching the trains. Shutt sits down and shuts
the trains off:
AS: So what's all this stuff about Mom?
JG: She's dead.
AS: Yes, this I know.
JG: You know why she's dead?
AS: I believe it was heart failure.
JG: No. She died because that's the only way she can still dominate
me. Every day of my life, she was pushing me, Aaron. Pushing,
pushing, pushing, pushing, pushing. You know what I'm saying?
AS: Uh ... she ... pushed you?
JG: Don't be smart. Don't get smart when I'm not wearin' pants.
You know how I am pantless. [AS smiles.]
Drove me in college, drove me in med school. You know what
else? She only paid for med school if I'd live at home so she
could still push, so she could keep comin' in my room. The
*footsteps* up the stairs, every night, into my room. Push,
push, push, not good enough, not good enough, not good enough.
And then I make it, become the big doctor, get married, move
out, know what she does then? She dies. She dies. Know why?
AS: Well, again, I thought it was heart failure.
JG: No, she died so she could be in the room. Wherever I go now
she's in the room. That's why she died. That it was heart
failure-- that's just one last final shot. [He walks toward
the window.] I'm the heart surgeon. Couldn't save her. Not
good enough, not good enough. STOP! STOP THE TRAINS!
AS: The trains are stopped, Jeffrey.
JG: Laurie's right. I can't escape my mother. [sits down] I
wanted--I wanted Laurie to take care of me. That's what
started to ruin our um ... and I made her feel like a failure
as a mother to me, and she lost trust with herself with Joey,
and maybe that had something to--
AS: No. It didn't. It did not.
JG: Maybe I feel like I'm with Geri because I--I don't know, I
feel she can handle me, maybe it's some *insidious* Oedipus
thing, I don't know. I really--I don't know. I don't know.
AS: OK. So we got a lotta stuff. But you know it will all get
better if you just get some help. Will you get some help, Jeffrey?
JG: I feel my whole life I've let everybody down.
AS: You've never let me down. Jeffrey, you're the greatest friend that
anybody could have. After Camille, there is no human that I love
more, and you know that. You know how much I love more. [JG nods.]
JG: Well, how could I make such a mess?
AS: Because this is what you do. It's what you do.
After Shutt leaves, Laurie comes in to talk to Geiger:
LG: [smiling] I always love to hear you sing. [She kneels down
in front of him and he takes her hands in his.]
JG: I'm sorry, honey. I tried to be uh--you know, strong for you.
I'm a fake. There's never a day I truly think I can even survive.
LG: Sh, sh, sh, sh, sh, sh.
JG: I like Geri. I might--I might even love her.
LG: That's OK, baby. It's OK.
JG: But I'll always need you.
LG: That's OK, too.
JG: I don't think I can be strong enough to love her if you're not there.
LG: Then I'll be there. You always know where to find me,
sweetie. 'Cause I'm locked up. [They both laugh.]
JG: And look at me. Still at large.
LG: Yeah. [They embrace. LG has tears in her eyes.]
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