Great Geigerisms 1.20
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Memorable Mandy Moments/Great Geigerisms
Geiger is beginning rounds:
JG: We missing a med student?
Med: Callahan. I beeped him.
JG: That's too bad 'cause now you're gonna have to give me the 15
causes of hypercalcemia.
[Callahan rushes up to the group.]
Cal: Sir, come and see a patient for me. The attendant's stuck in
traffic and the surgery resident's got a red blanket in the ER.
Med: We're rounding.
Cal: I think he's real sick.
JG: Let's go.
In the patient's room:
JG: I'm Dr. Geiger, Mr. Goloff [sp?]. How're you feeling?
MG: Been better.
JG: When did he have his gallbladder out?
Cal: Day before yesterday and he spiked during the night.
JG: Any pain in your chest or when you use the urinal?
MG: I got pain all over.
JG: Wind, wound, water. Right, Callahan?
JG: Three most common causes of postop fever. Wind-- his chest is
clear. Water-- according to his chart his urine's OK. That
leaves wound. What's his incision look like?
Cal: I didn't want to disturb the dressing because... I'm not on
JG: [JG hands him scissors.] Be brave.
[Callahan unwraps the bandage and the students start to gag.]
Cal: Oh my God!
JG: Put that IV all the way. Get another line in him and get him
to the OR stat. Get his intestines back in and hold it.
In the locker room dressing for surgery are Geiger, Kronk and Shutt:
JG: Don't tell me. You got a patient with a postop infection.
AS: How did you know that? [Cut to Watters office.]
PW: We got a problem. Two ortho patients also got septic during
JG: This is not good.
AS: Is it just surgical patients or is it... ?
PW: No. So far nobody from the medical floors or labor and
delivery, just a few cases from the surgical suites.
AS: What the hell is going on!?
PW: Let's not overreact.
JG: I don't think you could overreact to the amount of pus in that
GI: Or my guy's face.
AS: Or my patient's head.
GI: [GI's beeper goes off.] Now what?
JG: There's a bug in our hospital.
Geiger talks to Mrs. Broden [sp?], Geri's patient's wife:
MB: How can this be? Carl came in for a face-lift.
JG: I can't lie to you, Mrs. Broden. There is no explanation. At
least not a good one. The best we can figure at this point is
that your husband was somehow exposed to a bacteria. How and
where he became exposed, we just don't know.
MB: That's it? That's all you can give me?
JG: If you'd like, we could do an autopsy to be more precise.
MB: Where's Dr. Infante? Why isn't she telling me?
JG: Truth is, she's a little devastated herself. She will talk to you.
MB: How can a perfectly healthy person check into a hospital for
a face-lift and 48 hours later be dead?
Everyone is gathered in Watter's office discussing Grad's animal
lab, when Geiger walks in:
AB: This is not about casting blame, it is about locating a
problem before it paralyzes us.
JG: Any possibility that Geri's patient could have picked up an
JG: Guy checked out, checked back in.
PW: Within two days?
JG: Fine. Let's just be objective and consider this
systematically without turning on each other, huh? We've been
hiring new nurses. Maybe their sterile technique hasn't
reached the same discipline that we're accustom to.
CS: I beg your pardon?
JG: A lot of hospitals don't prioritize sterile techniques.
CS: All my nurses are completely sterile.
BK: [to DN] Well, that oughta lighten your load a little.
PW: Let's not turn this into a free for all.
JG: That's exactly my point. There's no reason to be even having
AB: Jeffrey, we have to find the root of the problem or the health
marshall will close the hospital.
JG: I do 400 hearts a year. My infection rate is less than 1
percent. I will talk to this health marshall and confirm he
has justified his salary so that he can now leave, while we
review the myriad of potential causes in this hospital.
[re DG] She injects patients with malaria. [re BK] He cuts
off legs with chain saws. Has been known to skip a bath or
two. [re PW] Sometimes seen yesterday's egg in his Fu Manchu.
[re AS] Aaron tries out a new drill every week on loan.
Who knows where it's been, not to mention he rushes his
scrubs now and then. [re DN] I won't even discuss the
cologne he wears, lingering musk. So many potential causes it
becomes absolutely ridiculous to point fingers so lets not.
[Silence, as they all look at JG in amazement.] What?
AS: I rush my scrubs?
JG: Just throwing that out as an example.
AS: Just because you try to wash the freckles off your arm every
time you step up to the sink is no reason...
JG: Think that's constructive?
AS: Is that what you were just being? Constructive? You say you
see omelettes in Phillip's beard. That's constructive?
JG: I love this, I really do. It never ceases to amaze me how you
people always make it about me. Maybe the real problem is
nobody here is willing to assume any responsibility in this
hospital. It's easier to just project the blame onto somebody
else. I'm an easy target. I'm vulnerable. I'm going through
DN: I think the bacteria comes out when he talks.
JG: Fine, I'll be the fall guy. Does that make you all feel more
secure? [They all start to argue until a nurse knocks and
Excuse me. We have a problem with Dr. Infante.
JG: What kind of a problem?
She won't come out of the shower.
Walking down the hall:
She just screams at us to get out if we get near her.
JG: All right, get me a robe or something to cover her with.
I think she's upset because Mr. Broden died.
JG: Fine, tell someone who's interested. Just get me a robe.
In the locker room, wet and wrapped in a robe:
GI: You just can't pull someone out of the shower like that.
JG: Our hot water bills are driving up our premiums. [pauses]
Your patient died. Wasn't your fault, you know that.
GI: Doesn't make him less dead.
JG: Geri, you're a doctor.
GI: Shouldn't have been a doctor. I only wanted to be a doctor,
you know, to make sense of it. I couldn't... I just
couldn't... I couldn't get that close in my scrimshaw. I was
always so good at the scrimshaw ever since I was 6-years old.
That's the only reason I stayed.
JG: [confused] Stayed where?
GI: In medical school, because of the scrimshaw have unbelievable
hands, I could be a plastic surgeon.
JG: What are you talking about?
GI: How do you do it, Jeffrey? How do you pull a sheet up over
somebody's head, put all their trust in you and go tell their
family? How do you do that?
JG: Not with scrimshaw.
[GI begins to smack JG.]
Stop it! Stop it! [He grabs her.] I don't understand. You
had a patient die. That is upsetting. [Holds her close.] Of
coarse it's upsetting. Wax on, take a 2 hour shower, you wax
on, carvin' seashells? That's confusing to me.
GI: Well then, Jeffrey, why don't you just go to hell?
JG: Well, I've been. They sent me back.
GI: Well, go back. [leaving] Go back, go away, go away.
JG: [whispers] Scrimshaw.
In Geri's office, Geiger comes in and sits next to Geri on the floor:
JG: Tom Lehr.
JG: When a patient dies and I have to tell the family. You asked
how I do it-- Tom Lehr. He was a former Math teacher at
Harvard. Had a song called "Poisoning Pigeons in the Park."
When I talk to the family, I say all the right things, but
inside I'm singing that song.
GI: Poisoning pigeons?
JG: In the park.
GI: In the park. [She rolls her eyes.]
JG: I'm not good at death either. In fact, since Joey died, I try
to pretend the whole concept doesn't really exist. So, you
know, I'm sorry Mr. Jones, but your wife developed an acute
arrythmia... [sings] and all the world seems in tune, on a
spring afternoon, when we're poisoning pigeons in the park.
Every Sunday you'll see ... when we're poisoning pigeons in
GI: You're such a weird person.
JG: I know.
GI: Can you... would you mind holding me for a minute?
JG: Sure. [They hold each other.]
GI: Tighter. Tighter. [She begins to cry.]
Geri walks into Geiger and Shutt's waiting room:
GI: Hey there you are.
GI: I want to apologize. I was just a little bit... Thank you for
JG: A patient died. You were reasonable upset. It's perfectly
natural. [Starts backing away from her.] You don't have to
GI: What's the matter? You're walking backwards again.
JG: I'm not walking backwards. [Geri nods.]
[JG takes a step forward.] That's forward see. [Another
step.] This is forward. [Shutt comes walking in.]
AS: Hey, you know something? I take my scrub discipline seriously,
very seriously. And I'm offended by your suggestion that I...
JG: I said I was sorry.
AS: You never said you were sorry.
JG: Well, I meant to.
AS: You meant to?
JG: What's goin' on, Aaron?
AS: I will not have you undermining my professional integrity, OK?
JG: That's the only issue? My undermining your integrity?
AS: Yeah, that's it.
JG: Fine, I am on record as being sorry. Want to tell me what's
really bothering you, you know where to find me. [AS goes
into his office and closes the door. JG starts to follow.]
GI: Can I talk to you for a second?
JG: What is it, Geri? I can't always be there when you have a problem.
I can't always be there. Do I have to say it a third time?
GI: Excuse me!
JG: I'm late. I gotta go. [He walks out.]
Geiger is playing with trains in his office when Geri walks in:
GI: What's this?
JG: Hospital's closed, a man's gotta have hobbies.
GI: Stop the train.
JG: In a minute.
GI: STOP THE TRAIN! [He stops it.]
What the hell was that this morning-- "I can't always be there
for you." Where did that come from?
JG: I was late for an appointment.
GI: You were late for an appointment. With Charlie Choo Choo here?
JG: I don't think it's appropriate to malign my hobby.
GI: I had a patient die yesterday. One moment you're holding me in your
arms and next minute you're treating me like I'm the virus. What?
JG: That's right. I held you because your patient died, because
you were hurting. Doesn't mean you can expect me to be there
every time you feel a weak moment.
GI: Wait! What? When did I say I expected anything from you. I
walked into here this morning to say 'thank you' and you
plunge right into the Jeffrey Geiger fear of intimacy backstroke.
JG: Get out. [He starts the trains again.]
GI: I can't take this. [She kicks the train off the track.]
One minute we're all right, then you withdraw, then you're all
right again, then you're not.
JG: I said, you know, I was nuts and you still wanted to date.
You knew I was nuts, so don't act like it's something out of
GI: [Gets on the floor with JG.] What I want to know is what's
making you nuts? Just tell me the truth, Jeffrey. I'll deal
with whatever it is, but I need the truth.
JG: I feel unfaithful to Laurie.
GI: But she left you for another man.
JG: I know that. [pause] When you asked me to hold you and I did
and you fell into me and... I felt uh... I felt I was
violating her somehow. I know it's not right that I feel that
and... but I did feel it.
GI: How am I supposed to respond to that?
JG: I don't know.
GI: So um... What is it you're telling me now? Is... is it
that... that you will never get over Laurie? Is that what
JG: I don't know, maybe. But even if I do get over her, I uh...
GI: What? What?
JG: I don't ever want to be needed again. It's too hard.
GI: That I... I... I truly don't know how to respond to.
JG: Sorry. [GI walks out and JG starts the trains.]
Geiger is pacing in his office with his pants off as Shutt walks
in. Trains are going full steam:
AS: Do I dare ask?
JG: I don't know what to do, Aaron. It's nice to be needed, but
Laurie needed me. Look what happened. She's a nut. She's a
nut in a rubber room. She's a nut. Coarse which, people who
need me, hurt me. Crush me like a bug, Laurie did. Run off
with that Red Sox guy. Still can't let go. Can't hold Geri
without feeling like I'm cheating on Laurie. How can I hear
the pants above the train? Do you hear the pants or just the
train? Does that train sound like pants to you? Trains
shouldn't whip. Nooo, they shouldn't. Nooooo, they
shouldn't. [AS turns off the trains.] Told you it was the train.
AS: You're upset because Geri needs you?
JG: She doesn't need me. She's just saying, when we're together
and she goes to lean on my shoulder or something, my shoulder
should be there.
AS: And this troubles you?
JG: Laurie still counts on me. She may be with that Weeks guy,
but I'm the only one... What if I abandon her and she ends
up... What? I'm off the hook because technically she left me?
That's supposed to make it OK for me to abandon her?
AS: Jeffrey, this is a good thing, you and Geri. A good thing.
You have been happy. I've even been a little jealous of it.
Maybe that's... maybe that's been what's going on with me.
JG: You're jealous of Geri? [JG sits down.]
AS: I've been the only one you share your insanity with. Now you
share it with her. Not that there isn't plenty of it to go
around for everybody. [Sits down near JG.] A big chunk of my
self esteem has always been the place I have with you. I
don't know, I feel like Geri squeezed me out at times. Well,
the point that I'm trying to make is that uh... the odds of
you finding a woman that um... Don't blow this. OK? If you
want to take off your pants and play with trains, that's fine.
But you let Geri play too. [JG's beeper goes off and he runs out.]
JG: What? [AS hands him his pants.]
Doctors are arguing in Callahan's room when Geiger comes in (Callahan
was bit by one of Grad's alligators and his hand became infected):
JG: All right, quiet.
CS: Fever's spiking and they're all arguing over who should cut
off the arm.
Cal: Nobody is!
JG: Relax. You're acting like a baby. [Examines the hand.] Look we
do not need to amputate.
BK: The infection's in the blood stream.
Cal: Just keep him away!
JG: Part of what you've been seeing could be edema. We could do
a faciotomy and relieve some of the venus congestion.
Cal: Nobody is cutting off my hand, especially him!
BK: Kill yourself then.
JG: Everybody shut up and listen. You've got a traumatized
subclavian vein that's probably draining poorly. I don't
think the muscle is nearly invaded as it looks. We're gonna
do the faciotomies with some antibacterial irrigation.
BK: The infection is up the entire arm.
Cal: Get away!
JG: If the muscle's dead, then we amputate, but we can try this
first. Geri, you explore. I'll assist. Camille, get a scrub
team together. [Starts to leave.]
PW: OR's still closed.
JG: Now it's opened. Let's move. C'mon.
During the operation on Callahan, the Supremes' "Someday We'll Be
Together" is playing:
GI: Muscle seems fine. You were right, Jeffrey.
JG: That surprise you?
GI: Well, it's amazing that anyone could be so professionally
acute and so personally pathetic. [JG glares at her.]
After the operation:
JG: Very good work. You saved that man's arm.
GI: Thank you.
JG: Surgical skills aside, I don't appreciate you maligning my
character, in that or any OR.
GI: Oh shut up. You know what, Jeffrey. You think you can make
up all the rules. That's your problem. It's OK for you to be
fragile. It's OK for you to unravel. That's what all the
king's men live for around here. For Jeffrey Geiger to fall
apart so that we can rush to put you back together and it's
so... so hard being you, isn't it? Let me tell you something.
It's not so damn easy for the rest of us. You think you're
the only person who's had hardship. Other people had people
die on them too. Maybe not a son in a bathtub. Maybe nothing
so dramatic. But death is death. It doesn't come in a fun
kit. I'm sorry.
JG: Who died on you?
GI: I was talking in general terms. I wasn't talking about myself.
JG: You said before you went to medical school to make sense of
it. Sense of what? Death? Who died on you?
GI: My mother. I was 10. [She starts scrubbing.]
JG: That's why you went to medical school? To make sense of why
your mother died? I've always tried to make sense of why mine lived.
GI: I thought I could demystify. The more I learned, the more I
realized how arbitrary death... It's like this virus. Where
did it come from? How does it grow?
JG: Why are you scrubbing?
GI: Imagine a surgeon with a death phobia. How ridiculous. But
here I am. So when patients die I... I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I'm only... I'm only a doctor because of scrimshaw.
JG: Sometimes when you walk, do you ever hear your pants?
GI: [laughs] Together we could make quite a mess, couldn't we?
What are you afraid of, Jeffrey?
JG: That I'll love you. That you'll leave me.
GI: Because of Laurie? Do you think you'll ever get over her?
JG: [shakes his head] I don't know.
GI: Do you want to?
JG: [shakes his head] Yeah.
[She touches his cheek and he begins to cry. They hold each
other, as Shutt looks on, then walks away.]
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