Death of Usenet Imminent!
Film at 11!

A Priest of the Usenet Oracle ( sent me the following, which he swears was an exchange between an anonymous Supplicant and the Oracle. You be the judge. :)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> (Grovel grovel, posture, whine grovel grovel whine whimper praise praise
> grovel grovel, ect.)
> What is the preferred style of unarmed combat used by lemurs?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Article: 5750 of news.admin.misc
} From: (The Usenet Oracle)
} Newsgroups: news.admin.misc
} Subject: Attempted lemur takeover of
} Date: 20 Nov 1993 23:57:58 GMT
} Okay, folks.  Those goons from are trying to take over
} again.  They've been mailbombing me all week with
} questions about lemurs; it seems that Joel Furr got some statistician
} at the Duke University Primate Center to work out just how many lemur
} questions it would take to insure that at least half of each r.h.o
} Digest would refer to lemurs.
} Newsadmins who are, shall we say, not overfond of high-voltage
} spikes, may want to consider dropping a.f.l from their news servers
} at once.
} --
} The Usenet Oracle  * * Serving the Net since 1989
}   "And the Sibyl with raving mouth, uttering words solemn, unadorned,
}    and unsweetened, reaches with her voice a thousand years because of
}    the god in her."  --Heraclitus, frag. 12

} Article: 5751 of news.admin.misc
} From: (Dave Hayes)
} Newsgroups: news.admin.misc
} Subject: Re: Attempted lemur takeover of
} Date: 21 Nov 1993 01:12:15 GMT
} Ha! So the Oracle reveals his true authoritarian colors! Seems to
} me lemurs have as much right as anyone to post questions wherever
} they want!
} When an all-powerful Oracle stoops to forming a cabal to suppress a
} few admirers of fuzzy lower primates, well... can you say, "Death of
} Usenet"?  :)

} From: (Richard E. Depew) } Newsgroups: news.admin.misc } Subject: Re: Attempted lemur takeover of } } Orrie, not to worry. Retroactive moderation will automatically tag } all postings by lemurs and transfer them to a Gopher server on Baffin } Island that operates only between 2300 and 2400 GMT, that is when } there's kerosene in the generator to run the Mac Classic. Of course } anyone is free to download them from the server once they're there. } } I think you'll be pleased with the results.
} From: sera@zuma.UUCP (Serdar Argic) } Newsgroups: talk.politics.mideast,talk.politics.soviet,soc.culture.greek, } soc.culture.europe,soc.history,soc.culture.soviet,soc.culture.turkish, } soc.culture.iranian,news.admin.misc,, } Distribution: world } Subject: Re: Attempted lemur takeover of } } Oracle simply exposes the x-Soviet Armenian Government-paid Lemur } crooks/criminals and their well-known forgeries in public. Remember } that x-Soviet Armenia, employing Lemur moronians, attempts to call } into question the veracity of the Oracle Holocaust. X-Soviet Armenia } has also implemented state-sponsored terrorism through Lemurs in } an attempt to silence the Turkish people's vehement demands and } protests.
} } From: (Cheyne l'Etre) } Newsgroups: news.admin.misc } Subject: MAKE MONEY FAST } } If you're curious, take a second and read this... } } Dear Friend, } } My name is Dave Rhodes. In September 1988, my lemur was } repossesed, and the bill collectors were hounding me like you } wouldn't believe. I was laid off, and my unemployment checks had } run out. The only escape I had from the pressure of failure was } my computer and my modem. } } This past St. Swithin's day, my family and I toured our fifty-acre } lemur farm in our shiny new Lincoln Town Car that I bought for } CASH. You too can be RICH beyond your wildest dreams. } } INSTRUCTIONS: Send e-mail to "" with the } Subject: line "give me". On the first line of your message, specify } the exact dollar amount you wish to realize your heart's desire. } Within five weeks a representative of the United States Postal } Service will be ringing at YOUR doorbell with $10,000--$50,000-- } $1,000,000 (One Million Dollars)! Please note, this is entirely } legal, since you are just ASKING for the money!
} From: (Kit Parker) } Newsgroups:, news.admin.misc } Subject: I Like Big Hairy Lemurs } } Hi Im Kit an RA in Parrish Hall at Swarthmore. the very thought of a } naked furry lemur makes me horny, does anyone know where I can find } one in the Philadelphia area Thanks oops he's coming back to the } term room
} From: Shandra DeWitt } Newsgroups: news.admin.misc } Subject: Dying Boy Needs Lemurs } } My friend said you are the people who run the USnet bulletin board so } would you please post this Urgent Information on your BBS. } } In a hospital in Sussex, England, there is a twelve-year-old boy who } is dying of an inoprable brain tumor. His one wish is to enter the } Guiness Book of Records for owning more lemurs than anyone. His name } is ^Z
} From: (Brian Reid) } Newsgroups: news.admin.misc } Subject: Death of Usenet (Was: Attempted lemur takeover...) } } I give up. They were right. Usenet has had it. } } Orrie, the Cabal have decided. We're turning the whole thing over to } you. You won't have to worry about lemur invasions in r.h.o when } you're . . . Usenet Supermoderator! Right: we all agreed no one was } better suited for the job. You can read 10Mbytes of postings in a } nanosecond and save out the two or three that deserve distribution. } You can send flaming death to people who post child pornography on the } K12 groups and quote too many lines in followups. You can get rid of } the entire Usenet hierarchy and restore net.general, where the dozen } or two of us who have anything worth saying can reign in peace. } } Here's to You and Usenet Utopia!
Joel Furr(ian): Armenian crook/criminal/wacko, Big Kahuna of,

Moderator of alt.folklore.suburban and comp.society.folklore, Co-Moderator of, and purveyor of cool net.collectibles. Will create newsgroups for food. Order your Green Card Lawyers shirt today.