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since 4/25/96.
These are some of the jokes that I have gathered on the net. A lot of them are really good, and most of them are still okay I think. Some of the materials found in this page might not be politically correct. If you are sensitive, you might be offended by the materials here. But the contents on this page do reflect my belief or ethics in any way. They are just jokes, nothing more.
"You don't know Jack Schitt......"
Now you'll know the rest of the story.
"Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt and Oh Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Oh Schitt, the owner of the Kneedeep Schitt Inn. Jack Schitt Married Noe Schitt and produced six childern. Holy Schitt, their first, passed on shortly after childbirth. Next twin sons, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt; Two daughters, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt; and another son Bull Schitt. Deep Schitt married Lotta Schitt and they have a son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt married the Happens brothers. The Schitt-Happens childern are Dawg Schitt, Byrd Schitt, and Horace Schitt. Bull Schitt just married a spicy number, Pisa Schitt, and they are awaiting the arrival of baby Schitt.
Now you know Jack Schitt!!!!
9.9999973251 It's a FLAW, Dammit, not a Bug 8.9999163362 It's Close Enough, We Say So 7.9999414610 Nearly 300 Correct Opcodes (you mean, 299.9999831538?) 6.9999831538 You Don't Need to Know What's Inside 5.9999835137 Redefining the PC--and Mathematics As Well 4.9999999021 We Fixed It, Really 3.9998245917 Division Considered Harmful 2.9991523619 Why Do You Think They Call It *Floating* Point? 1.9999103517 We're Looking for a Few Good Flaws 0.9999999998 The Errata Inside
A is for Awk, which runs like a snail, and B is for Biff, which reads all your mail. C is for CC, as hackers recall, while D is for DD, the command that does all. E is for Emacs, which rebinds your keys, and F is for Fsck, which rebuilds your trees. G is for Grep, a clever detective, while H is for Halt, which may seem defective. I is for Indent, which rarely amuses, and J is for Join, which nobody uses. K is for Kill, which makes you the boss, while L is for Lex, which is missing from DOS. M is for More, from which Less was begot, and N is for Nice, which it really is not. O is for Od, which prints out things nice, while P is for Passwd, which reads in strings twice. Q is for Quota, a Berkeley-type fable, and R is for Ranlib, for sorting ar [sic] table. S is for Spell, which attempts to belittle, while T is for True, which does very little. U is for Uniq, which is used after Sort, and V is for Vi, which is hard to abort. W is for Whoami, which tells you your name, while X is, well, X, of dubious fame. Y is for Yes, which makes an impression, and Z is for Zcat, which handles compression.
% cat "food in cans"
cat: can't open food in cans
% nice man woman
No manual entry for woman.
% rm God
rm: God nonexistent
% ar t God
ar: God does not exist
% ar r God
ar: creating God
% "How would you rate Quayle's incompetence?
Unmatched ".
% [Where is Jimmy Hoffa?
Missing ].
% ^How did the sex change operation go?
^ Modifier failed.
% If I had a ( for every $ the Congress spent, what
would I have?
Too many ('s.
% make love
Make: Don't know how to make love. Stop.
% sleep with me
bad character
% got a light?
No match.
% man: why did you get a divorce?
man:: Too many arguments.
% !:say, what is saccharine?
Bad substitute.
% %blow
%blow: No such job.
/* not csh but sh */
$ PATH=pretending!/usr/ucb/which sense
no sense in pretending!
$ drink <bottle; opener
bottle: cannot open
opener: not found
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.
The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.
"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that.
Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack."
The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents.
He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.
The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."
He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."
Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain? A: Gifted! Q: How do blonde braincells die? A: Alone. Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells? A: Pregnant. Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette? A: Artificial intelligence. Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger? A: You can park in the handicap zone. Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks? A: It takes too long to retrain them. Q: How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer? A: There's white-out on the screen. Q: How can you tell if another blonde's been using the computer? A: There's writing on the white-out. Q: Why don't blondes use vibrators? A: They chip their teeth. Q: What's the mating call of the blonde? A: "I'm *sooo* drunk!" Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde? A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!" Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot? A: Bigfoot has been spotted. Q: What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes? A: The back of her head. Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday mornings? A: Tell them a joke on Friday night! Q: Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes? A: Toes Go In First. Q: What do you say to a blonde that won't give in? A: "Have another beer." Q: What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning? A: Introduces themself. Q: What do blondes say after sex? A1: "Thanks, Guys!" A2: "Are you boys all in the same band?" A3: Do you guys all play for the <team name>? A4: Who were all those guys? Q: How do blondes turn the light on after sex? A: Kick open the car door. Q: Why do blondes like tilt steering? A: More head room. Q: What is the worst thing about sex with a blonde? A: Bucket seats.