Tips from DAVE

Sorry I haven't been able to get any tips for Sunday to you sooner. My staff was out researching day and night. Our recommendations follow.

* It has been verified in independent laboratory tests that Dawn dishwashing liquid does an adequate to good job of neutralizing grease and fat. We believe that you should drink one cup of the green liquid five minutes before the start.

* We had to dig hard, but uncovered a technique that was used by Stevie "Chicken legs" Wishbone to successfully defend his title in the 1909 North American Semifinals. He had studied under the Grand Master Tung Loon Wing, and observed him gulping down goldfish whole after prolonged workouts. Stevie adapted the technique to buffalo wings, wherein he would strip the meat from the bone and in one quick motion would swallow it without chewing. This is an advanced technique that takes many years to master, but my staff feels that you should be able to perform a simple variant - chew up to, but no more than, five times before each swallow.

* One of my staff members received a bonus and a promotion for researching this next item. He found a child prodigy named Bobby Phisher (not related to the child chess prodigy, Bobby Fischer) who unknowingly stumbled upon a world-class technique that started a revolution and was the hallmark of the cult following that would later be known as the "Cheeksters." Four-year-old Bobby did not like his broccoli and at that very tender age perfected the art of hiding it in his cheeks to convince his mom that it had been eaten. Years of cheek-hiding took its toll, and by age seven Bobby's cheeks had permanently expanded two sizes too big. Quite by accident, Bobby discovered that he could fit more food in his mouth than other seven-year-olds, and could therefore process more food with each chew. Within a year Bobby had perfected and patented cheek inserts designed to expand the wearer's mouth capacity. This enabled the wearer to do overnight what took Bobby three years to do.

You might remember that this technique fell out of favor with the public after his highly publicized ChickenGate (I don't have to remind you about that dreadful incident where he slipped chicken legs onto his competitors' plates and got himself disqualified and banned from international competition for life), but his all but forgotten technique is actually an excellent strategy on its own merits.

You will not be able to find the real PhisherCheeks (tm) anywhere today except on the shelves of collectors, but we believe that arch supports should do fine in a pinch.

We hope that you do well, and eagerly await that victory cry - "Wings, Ole!!!" Do it for every little Bobby and Roberta Phisher across America who dreams of one day being in your shoes. Make your country proud.

Dave.