God is awesome! Where do I start? So two nights ago, I had a conversation with a good friend. She started talking about her concerns about having an intimate, best friend. Then, she did what she always does, and held back. Me, I got frustrated at seeing this again, because I really care for her, and want to be there for her. On top of that, I identify wholly with her frustration. In fact, that caused me to vent my own frustration with trying to develop friendships and trying to find someone I can completely trust. At the end of my spiel, I got impatient and cranky, and said some things with the wrong heart. I'm sure the fact that I had only gotten 4 hours of sleep the night before didn't help things any. I realized that things were only going to get worse, so I decided to get some sleep.
That night, I was tearing my hair out at my own worthlessness and patheticness. I asked for some peace to be able to let it go for the night and get some rest. God granted that wish. I woke up early that morning, refreshed in body, but not in spirit. Realizing that I had hurt a friend last night, I went to my computer in hopes that she would be online (indicating that she's up so I can call her). She wasn't, so I resorted to writing her a detailed email explaining my position, and why I was frustrated with her.
I spent most of the day moping around. I knew I could hide my pain again, but I also knew that if I did, it would only come back again, even stronger than before. So I sat there all day, looking really glum. It probably looked like I was just really tired and frustrated, which was close to the truth. I was dying for someone to talk to. I even installed AIM and YIM in hoping to get to talk to people. Most of the people I talked to didn't even bother to ask how I was doing though. One person did though, in the afternoon. My friend signed on as well, saying that she read my email and accepted my apology. That started to make things feel better.
After work, I bought some staining material for my dining set at Home Depot. (bought too much... spent a good $77) I ate leftovers, then started treating and staining the wood. That night, my friend called, and said all the right things. The Spirit was certainly speaking through her, because she said exactly what I needed to hear. She helped me to put things in perspective, and made falling back into His arms so much easier. After that, I prayed, and just let it go. Then I went back downstairs to work more on staining the wood, with my roommate's help.
One of the things I had hoped for in my conversation with my friend was that I would speak more openly with my roommate. I felt compelled that night before bed to walk downstairs and start a conversation, and it really blossomed. If anything, just knowing that we were not alone in our struggles made things a lot better. It's incredible how God works immediately when you let Him. All we gotta do is let Him.
The Spirit also inspired me to do two other things. First, to be more bold in word and deed. Most noticeably, to stop holding back things that I feel moved to say, even if it may potentially cause unpleasantries. I've been trying to please everyone and not tick anyone off for too long now. It makes life boring, not expressing opinions that everyone might not agree with. This is difficult to watch, because it's natural for me now to keep my mouth shut in those circumstances.
Second, I need to spend less time and energy chatting online, so that I can divert more time and energy into real human interactions. Chatting is nice to keep in contact with people, but it's not real. It's pseudo-interaction. Seeing the other person's expressions is just as much a part of socializing as talking. So I'm going to limit my chatting now, and hopefully buy time and energy to invest in real relationships. Don't be too bummed if you don't see me online much any more. Talk to me in person, or over the phone instead. =)
Armed once again with the Spirit and with a plan of action, I can now "try" again.