...
It's been over a month since my last entry... and I don't know where to begin. Work's been busy. I suppose I'm enjoying being a part of a real software test team, and taking on real responsibility. But it's a lot of work, and a lot of stress... meeting deadlines and such. I've been trying not to overwork myself, but it's definitely getting to me. Thank God for weekends! And next weekend's our family trip to Catalina. That should be fun.
Social life has consisted of no more than small talk with coworkers and online chatting. I like having internet in my room, but now I have no reason to go out and do anything. Why go hang with one friend, when you can chat with 5 at the same time?
Spiritual life... very up and down. Very down right now. Just not inspired to do anything... and my friend's observation was correct... I'm just going through the motions now. Not growing. Not really caring about anything.
Don't worry... I'll be ok... eventually. One good thing about being admittedly down... you get a chance to see how much your friends really care about you. And it's interesting to see if they're willing to ask about and really listen to you. That's how you know they really care... rather than just "going through the motion" of being a friend.
So on the surface, the mask still holds. Nobody knows the sad, hideous figure it hides on the inside. They see the mask, and think everything's ok. But shunned, hated by the world, the phantom retreats into his own quiet darkness. There, he cries of bitter sorrow, rejection, and self-hatred. When shall the world see him for who he really is? A loving, caring, feeling human being... hurt at every corner, trapped... a prisoner in his own life. Dejected, he finds solace only in escape from reality. He dreams of a world of swords and magic. Of killing, and saving. A place where he is accepted for who he is, and where the people are grateful for his efforts to save the world.
But when the dream ends, the nightmare of his existence returns...