The Canonical Collection of Musician Jokes



Q: What's the difference between a violin and a viola?
A: A viola burns longer.

Q: What's the difference between a viola and an onion?
A: Nobody cries when you cut up a viola.

Q: What's the difference between a viola and a trampoline?
A: You don't have to take your shoes off before you jump on a viola.

Q: What's the difference between a viola and a coffin?
A: The coffin has the dead guy on the inside.

Q: What's the similarity between lightning and a violist's fingers?
A: They never strike the same place twice.

Q: What's the difference between a violist and a terrorist?
A: Terrorists have sympathisers.

Q: What do you call 10,000 violas at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start.

Q: Why is a violist like a terrorist?
A: They both **** up bowings.

Q: What is the similarity between a viola joke and premature ejaculation?
A: You know it's coming and there is not a damn thing that you can do to stop it.

Q: How can you tell when the stage is level?
A: The violists drool from both sides of their mouths.

Q: What's the best recording of the Walton viola concerto?
A: Music Minus One.

Q: What's a chord?
A: Three violists playing unison

Q: Why play violinist always with best intonation.
A: Because they are shot if they play wrong.

Q: Why play violist always with bad intonation.
A: Can't shoot them all

Q: Why do violists leave their violas on the dashboard of their cars?
A: So they can park in handicapped zones.

Q: What do a viola solo and peeing in your pants have in common?
A: Both are embarrassing and neither can be heard.

Q: Why are orchestra intermissions only twenty minutes long?
A: So the violists don't need to be retrained.

Q: What is the definition of a minor second?
A: Two violists playing in unison.

Q: What do a SCUD missile and a viola player have in common?
A: They're both offensive and inaccurate.

Q: What's the range of a viola?
A: About twenty yards, if you've got a good arm.

Q: Why are violas so large?
A: It's an optical illusion. It's not that the violas are large, just that the viola player's heads are so small.

Q: What's the difference between a viola and a vacuum cleaner?
A: You have to plug in a vacuum cleaner before it sucks.

Q: What's the difference between a violist and a shaggy dog?
A: A shaggy dog knows when to stop scratching.

Q: What's the difference between a chain saw and a viola?
A: If you absolutely had to, you could use a chain saw in a string quartet.

Q: What's the difference between peeing in your pants and a viola solo?
A: You don't get that warm feeling all over after a viola solo.

Q: Why does a viola burn longer than a violin?
A: It's usually still in the case.

Q: What's the difference between a viola and a power lawn mower?
A: You can tune a lawn mower.

Q: What does a violist get on an IQ test?
A: Drool.

Q: How do you get a violist to play the part pianissimo and tremolando?
A: Write "solo" at the top.

Q: How do you get a violist to play down bow staccatto?
A: Write a whole note and mark it "Solo."

Q: How do you keep your violin from getting stolen?
A: Put it in a viola case.

Q: How do you get 11 violinists to play in tune?
A: Shoot 10 of them.

Q: So how do you get 11 violists to play in tune?
A: Shoot 11 of them.

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Definition of Violist: someone who hangs around with musicians.

Definition of a string quartet: a good violinist, a bad violinist,
an ex-violinist, and someone who hates violinists.

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You come to a fork in the road and are unsure which way to go. Standing at the intersection are Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, a good viola player, and a bad viola player. Whom do you ask for directions? The bad viola player, of course. The other three are just figments of your imagination...

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You're careening down the road, going about 30 mph above the speed limit, when suddenly you come to a fork in the road. In the middle of the right-hand fork stands a violist. In the left-hand fork stands a conductor. You have a split-second to choose -- whom do you run down?
The conductor. Business before pleasure....

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A violist comes home late at night to discover fire trucks, police cars, and a smoking crater where his house used to be. The chief of poice comes over to him and tells him, "While you were out, the conductor came to your house, killed your family, and burned it down." The violist replied, "You're kidding! The conductor came to my house?"

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The maestro suddenly notices that two of his double bass players are fighting, so he stops conducting and asks them what's going on. One of the bass players replies, pointing to the other, "He down-tuned one of my strings by half a step... and he won't tell me which one!"

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A violist was hiking in the mountains, and he came upon a shepherd who was tending a large herd of sheep that were grazing in the alpine meadow. The violist took a fancy to the sheep, and asked the shepherd: "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I have one?" The shepherd thought this was an odd request, but thought that there was little chance that the man would guess the exact number of sheep, so he said "Sure." The violist guessed "ļu have 287 sheep," to the shepherd's astonishment, since this was exactly how many sheep he had. The violist got all excited and asked "Can I pick out my sheep now?" and the shepherd grudgingly gave his permission. The violist selected his sheep, bent over, and swung the sheep over his shoulders, to carry home with him. The shepherd then got an idea and asked "If I guess what your occupation is, can I have my sheep back?" The violist was a bit surprised by this, but figured that it was unlikely that the shepherd would be able to guess his occupation, and went along with the deal. The shepherd then guessed "ļu're a violist, aren't you?" The violist was very surprised and asked "How did you know?" to which the shepherd responded "Put the dog down and we'll talk about it."



What's the difference between an oboist and a seamstress?
A seamstress tucks up frills...

Definition of an oboe: An ill wind that no one blows good.

What's the definition of a minor second?
Two oboes playing in unison.

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How many flute players does it to take to change a light bulb? Five: One to change the bulb, one to pull the ladder out from under her, and three to bitch about how much better they would have done it.

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What's the difference between a saxophone and a lawnmower?
You can tune a lawnmower.



How do you make a trombone sound like a French horn?
Stick your hand in the bell and miss half the notes.

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The orchestra is packing up at the end of a Friday afternoon rehearsal, and the first trumpet player is one of the last to leave. As he heads toward the door, the conductor waves and says, "Have a nice weekend!" The trumpet player angrily retorts, "Don't you tell me what to do!"

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What's the difference between a bass trombone and a chainsaw?

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An orchestra is rehearsing a piece in which the tuba has a solo after 84 bars rest. At the point where the tuba should start the solo, nothing happens. So, the conductor stops and asks the tuba player why he didn't play. "I have 84 bars rest," says the tubist. To which the conductor replies, "But we are past those 84 bars already". The tubist: "How should I know that?". The conductor replies, "You can count, can't you?". The tubist: "Do you call that rest?"



Q: What's the difference between a soprano and a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.

Q: What's the difference between a soprano and a pit bull?
A: The jewelry.

Q: How can you tell when your lead singer is at your door?
A: He can't find the key, and he doesn't know when to come in.



One afternoon, Sir Adrian Boult was conducting a program of contemporary music, one of the items being a work by the composer X. The rehearsal had been going on for some time when Mr. X himself arrived, sat in the hall, and listened to the music for a while, showing increasing signs of restlessness and irritation. In the end he stood up. "Sir Adrian," he called out, "Sir Adrian, could you PLEASE take it a little quicker?" Sir Adrian Boult peered out into the hall. "Ah, Mr. X," he said, "Yes, certainly, we can take it quicker if you wish. But you do realize that we haven't come to your piece yet, don't you?"

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Then there's the story about the violist who had a nightmare that he was playing the prelude to Wagner's "Tristan und Isolde." Then he woke up and discovered that he really was...

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[Note: this joke really needs to be heard rather than read, but is included so that you can tell it to others...]
A certain contemporary composer, X, is commissioned to write a new work for orchestra. Mr. X, who needs the commission money but is unwilling to put in the work required to compose a new piece, comes up with a plan: "Aha," he says to himself, "I'll simply take a piece by some other contemporary composer and rewrite all the parts backwards! Nobody will know..." So he takes a recent work by composer  and does just that. At the first rehearsal, the parts are passed out, the conductor gives the downbeat, and you hear... [at this point, hum the opening bars of Mozart's Symphony #40, or other, equally familiar piece...].



Q: What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra?
A: On a bull, the horns are in front and the asshole is in back.

Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the middle of the road and a dead conductor in the middle of the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

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A viola player dies and goes to heaven. At the pearly gates he is handed a beautiful new viola and invited to play in the Orchestra of Heaven, a rehearsal of which is about to begin. He sits down and begins warming up. After a while, a little old man with an unruly mane of white hair steps up on the podium and begins waving his arms wildly. "Who's that?" the new violist asks his stand partner. "Oh," replies his partner, "that's just God. He likes to think he's von Karajan."

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There was once a terribly egotistical conductor, who had no qualms about telling everyone how good he was. "I'm the world's best conductor," was his way of introducing himself. One day he heard of another conductor who was reputed to be even better, and in a fit of rage, he murdered the other fellow. In his rage, he was careless, and the police immediately caught him. He was tried, found guilty, and sentenced to die for his crime. On the day of his execution, they asked him if he had any last words of remorse. "Ha," he said, "I'm the world's best conductor!" So they strapped him into the electric chair and applied the power. But to their surprise, he just sat there, humming to himself. Baffled, they adjusted the power and tried, again and again, to electrocute him. Finally in disgust, the man explained, "You fools, you can't electrocute me -- I told you, I'm the world's best conductor!"