The Canonical Collection of Musician Jokes
Q: What's the difference between a viola and an onion?
Q: What's the difference between a viola and a trampoline?
Q: What's the difference between a viola and a coffin?
Q: What's the similarity between lightning and a violist's fingers?
Q: What's the difference between a violist and a terrorist?
Q: What do you call 10,000 violas at the bottom of the ocean?
Q: Why is a violist like a terrorist?
Q: What is the similarity between a viola joke and premature ejaculation?
Q: How can you tell when the stage is level?
Q: What's the best recording of the Walton viola concerto?
Q: What's a chord?
Q: Why play violinist always with best intonation.
Q: Why play violist always with bad intonation.
Q: Why do violists leave their violas on the dashboard of their cars?
Q: What do a viola solo and peeing in your pants have in common?
Q: Why are orchestra intermissions only twenty minutes long?
Q: What is the definition of a minor second?
Q: What do a SCUD missile and a viola player have in common?
Q: What's the range of a viola?
Q: Why are violas so large?
Q: What's the difference between a viola and a vacuum cleaner?
Q: What's the difference between a violist and a shaggy dog?
Q: What's the difference between a chain saw and a viola?
Q: What's the difference between peeing in your pants and a viola solo?
Q: Why does a viola burn longer than a violin?
Q: What's the difference between a viola and a power lawn mower?
Q: What does a violist get on an IQ test?
Q: How do you get a violist to play the part pianissimo and tremolando?
Q: How do you get a violist to play down bow staccatto?
Q: How do you keep your violin from getting stolen?
Q: How do you get 11 violinists to play in tune?
Q: So how do you get 11 violists to play in tune?
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Definition of Violist: someone who hangs around with musicians.
Definition of a string quartet: a good violinist, a bad violinist,
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You come to a fork in the road and are unsure which way to go.
Standing at the intersection are Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, a good
viola player, and a bad viola player. Whom do you ask for directions?
The bad viola player, of course. The other three are just
figments of your imagination...
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You're careening down the road, going about 30 mph above
the speed limit, when suddenly you come to a fork in the road.
In the middle of the right-hand fork stands a violist. In the
left-hand fork stands a conductor. You have a split-second to
choose -- whom do you run down?
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A violist comes home late at night to discover fire trucks, police
cars, and a smoking crater where his house used to be. The chief of
poice comes over to him and tells him, "While you were out, the
conductor came to your house, killed your family, and burned it down."
The violist replied, "You're kidding! The conductor came to my house?"
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The maestro suddenly notices that two of his double bass players are
fighting, so he stops conducting and asks them what's going on. One
of the bass players replies, pointing to the other, "He down-tuned one
of my strings by half a step... and he won't tell me which one!"
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A violist was hiking in the mountains, and he came upon a shepherd
who was tending a large herd of sheep that were grazing in the alpine
meadow. The violist took a fancy to the sheep, and asked the shepherd:
"If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I have one?" The
shepherd thought this was an odd request, but thought that there was
little chance that the man would guess the exact number of sheep, so he
said "Sure." The violist guessed "ļu have 287 sheep," to the shepherd's
astonishment, since this was exactly how many sheep he had. The violist
got all excited and asked "Can I pick out my sheep now?" and the
shepherd grudgingly gave his permission. The violist selected his sheep,
bent over, and swung the sheep over his shoulders, to carry home with
him. The shepherd then got an idea and asked "If I guess what your
occupation is, can I have my sheep back?" The violist was a bit surprised
by this, but figured that it was unlikely that the shepherd would be able
to guess his occupation, and went along with the deal. The shepherd
then guessed "ļu're a violist, aren't you?" The violist was very
surprised and asked "How did you know?" to which the shepherd
responded "Put the dog down and we'll talk about it."
Definition of an oboe: An ill wind that no one blows good.
What's the definition of a minor second?
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How many flute players does it to take to change a light bulb?
Five: One to change the bulb, one to pull the ladder out from
under her, and three to bitch about how much better they would
have done it.
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What's the difference between a saxophone and a lawnmower?
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The orchestra is packing up at the end of a Friday afternoon
rehearsal, and the first trumpet player is one of the last to leave.
As he heads toward the door, the conductor waves and says, "Have a
nice weekend!" The trumpet player angrily retorts, "Don't you tell me
what to do!"
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What's the difference between a bass trombone and a chainsaw?
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An orchestra is rehearsing a piece in which the tuba has a solo after
84 bars rest. At the point where the tuba should start the solo,
nothing happens. So, the conductor stops and asks the tuba player why
he didn't play. "I have 84 bars rest," says the tubist. To which the
conductor replies, "But we are past those 84 bars already". The
tubist: "How should I know that?". The conductor replies, "You can
count, can't you?". The tubist: "Do you call that rest?"
Q: What's the difference between a soprano and a pit bull?
Q: How can you tell when your lead singer is at your door?
VIOLAS AND OTHER STRING INSTRUMENTS
A: A viola burns longer.
A: Nobody cries when you cut up a viola.
A: You don't have to take your shoes off before you jump on a viola.
A: The coffin has the dead guy on the inside.
A: They never strike the same place twice.
A: Terrorists have sympathisers.
A: A good start.
A: They both **** up bowings.
A: You know it's coming and there is not a damn thing that you can do to stop
it.
A: The violists drool from both sides of their mouths.
A: Music Minus One.
A: Three violists playing unison
A: Because they are shot if they play wrong.
A: Can't shoot them all
A: So they can park in handicapped zones.
A: Both are embarrassing and neither can be heard.
A: So the violists don't need to be retrained.
A: Two violists playing in unison.
A: They're both offensive and inaccurate.
A: About twenty yards, if you've got a good arm.
A: It's an optical illusion. It's not that the violas are large,
just that the viola player's heads are so small.
A: You have to plug in a vacuum cleaner before it sucks.
A: A shaggy dog knows when to stop scratching.
A: If you absolutely had to, you could use a chain saw in a string quartet.
A: You don't get that warm feeling all over after a viola solo.
A: It's usually still in the case.
A: You can tune a lawn mower.
A: Drool.
A: Write "solo" at the top.
A: Write a whole note and mark it "Solo."
A: Put it in a viola case.
A: Shoot 10 of them.
A: Shoot 11 of them.
an ex-violinist, and someone who hates violinists.
The conductor. Business before pleasure....
WOODWINDS
A seamstress tucks up frills...
Two oboes playing in unison.
You can tune a lawnmower.
BRASS
Stick your hand in the bell and miss half the notes.
Vibrato.
SOPRANOS AND OTHER VOCALISTS
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.
A: The jewelry.
A: He can't find the key, and he doesn't know when to come in.