ACTUAL HEADLINES...

• POLICE BEGIN CAMPAIGN TO RUN DOWN JAYWALKERS

• SAFETY EXPERTS SAY SCHOOL BUS PASSENGERS SHOULD BE BELTED

• DRUNK GETS NINE MONTHS IN VIOLIN CASE

• SURVIVOR OF SIAMESE TWINS JOINS PARENTS

• FARMER BILL DIES IN HOUSE

• IRAQI HEAD SEEKS ARMS

• PROSTITUTES APPEAL TO POPE

• BRITISH LEFT WAFFLES ON FALKLAND ISLANDS

• EYE DROPS OFF SHELF

• TEACHER STRIKES IDLE KIDS

• SQUAD HELPS DOG BITE VICTIM

• ENRAGED COW INJURES FARMER WITH AX

• PLANE TOO CLOSE TO GROUND, CRASH PROBE TOLD

• MINERS REFUSE TO WORK AFTER DEATH

• JUVENILE COURT TO TRY SHOOTING DEFENDANT

• STOLEN PAINTING FOUND BY TREE

• TWO SOVIET SHIPS COLLIDE, ONE DIES

• 2 SISTERS REUNITED AFTER 18 YEARS IN CHECKOUT COUNTER

• KILLER SENTENCED TO DIE FOR SECOND TIME IN 10 YEARS

• DRUNKEN DRIVERS PAID $1000 IN '84

• WAR DIMS HOPE FOR PEACE

• IF STRIKE ISN'T SETTLED QUICKLY, IT MAY LAST A WHILE

• COLD WAVE LINKED TO TEMPERATURES

• ENFIELD COUPLE SLAIN; POLICE SUSPECT HOMICIDE

Signs

On the wall of a Baltimore estate:
Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.
--Sisters of Mercy

On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners:
38 years on the same spot.

In a Los Angeles dance hall:
Good clean dancing every night but Sunday.

On a movie theater:
Children's matinee today. Adults not admitted unless with child.

In a Florida maternity ward:
No children allowed.

In the offices of a loan company:
Ask about our plans for owning your home.

In a New York medical building:
Mental Health Prevention Center

In a toy department:
Five Santa Clauses -- No waiting!

On a New York convalescent home:
For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church.

At a number of military bases:
Restricted to unauthorized personnel.

On a display of "I love you only" valentine cards:
Now available in multi-packs.

On a shopping mall marquee:
Archery Tournament -- Ears pierced

Outside a country shop:
We buy junk and sell antiques.

In the window of an Oregon store:
Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?

In a Maine restaurant:
Open 7 days a week and weekends.

In a New Jersey restaurant:
Open 11 AM to 11 PM midnight.

In the vestry of a New England church:
Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished.

In a Pennsylvania cemetery:
Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.

On the grounds of a public school:
No tresspassing without permission.

In a library:
Blotter paper will no longer be available until the public stops taking it away.

Similarly, in front of a New Hampshire car wash:
If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car.

And apparently, somewhere in England in an open field otherwise untouched by human presence, there is a sign that says "Do not throw stones at this sign."